Bachelor
Hello. I Love You. Won't You Tell Me Your Name?

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Music Hath Charms to Rouse the Savage Breasts

That brings us to the end of the twenty-five contestants. I've forgotten which one is which already. Chris asks Aaron what he thinks. Aaron says he's speechless. And probably horny. And he'll get the chance to interact with the contestants, after this commercial break.

We return to Aaron and Chris at the entrance to the Malibu Dream House. Is Aaron still ready? Yes, he's ready. Well, in he goes. Chris wishes him good luck, like Aaron is striding into a lion's den. Except lions tend to exude an aura of menace, not desperate neediness.

And he's in! The women are all gathered in the living room, chatting away. A group of clever women have gathered just inside the entrance of the room, making sure they're the first that Aaron talks to. He remembers Frances's name. She's impressed. Of course, she's not blonde, so it's easier to recall which one she is. Frances and Aaron chat. One of the blondes (does it matter which one?) asks whether Aaron played any football in school. A little bit. He was a tight end. The blonde says that's her favorite. Mine too. Like either of us knows what a tight end actually is, other than a double entendre. I'm pretty sure they never get any glory, so Blonde is just full of crap.

More schmoozing. Aaron asks a group of girls what was the "craziest" thing they've ever done. I've watched enough dating reality shows to know that this is code for "Have you ever made out with another girl? And if so, do you have any pictures?" Camille's going to be very disappointed. In interviews, various women tell us all how hot and charming Aaron is. In an interview, Aaron worries about making a good impression. He could probably crap his pants and throw up on the living-room floor, and most of these women would still pretend to want him if it meant being on camera for just a little longer. More schmoozing. Aaron confuses Kyla with Suzi. See, it's not just us. After he leaves, Kyla worries that this is a bad sign. More schmoozing. A toast. Suzi (for real this time) says that she feels sorry for Aaron because of all these women clamoring for his attention. Yeah, I'm sure he's going to be crying himself to sleep tonight. What about me? Who's going to feel sorry for me?

More schmoozing. Aaron tells the camera that this is much harder than he thought it would be, and that tonight's decision is going to be the toughest he has ever made. That line goes in the drinking game, because you know he's going to be saying that every single elimination. More schmoozing. Heather connects with Aaron over the fact that he's a pilot and she's a flight attendant. Camille praises Aaron for being a little nervous. She was afraid he was going to be some suave slimeball. Liangy tells Aaron about all her travels and how he should feel "privileged" over the fact that she came directly from a trip to be on the show. She's a goner. More schmoozing. Does Aaron believe in love at first sight? Yes. Has it happened tonight? Yes. Ooh. Aaron's comment about Alex leading women on earlier starts sharpening its incisors. Frances asks Aaron whether he learned Italian during his trip. He says he dated an Italian woman and "had the motivation," but doesn't say anything in Italian, so no, he didn't. He was there for a year and didn't bother to learn any Italian. Anindita tells this long-winded story about watching some cows in Amsterdam that went into a lust panic when a bull rode by in a truck or something. As pick-up lines go, it certainly gets marks for creativity.

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Bachelor

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