So it's off to Lake Elsinore, Calif., which is Naomi's hometown, and she's all dressed up like a cowgirl waiting for him, and he asks if this "cowgirl" is really her, because yes, all cowgirls wear tons of makeup and giant hoop earrings, and Naomi tells us that Jason had some concerns just before the last rose ceremony that she wasn't ready to settle down, and she wants to prove that she is ready to settle down and have a family, and so to prove it, she's adopted a couple of starving kids in Africa and is now pregnant herself! Awesome!
So we listen to Naomi yammer on about how ready she is to settle down and be married, and you know, if the number of times a person says "like" in a sentence has anything to do with maturity, then she's completely ready.
Anyway, it's off to meet the relatives, and Naomi -- she has an "interesting" family. Not just interesting, they're crazy! Crazier than Molly's golf-loving whack jobs? Naomi and Jason show up at her home, where mom Joanne, dad Hector, sister Davina, brother Josiah, niece Mariah, nephew Derek, and half-sister Olivia are all hanging out in the backyard. Naomi says her parents divorced when she was eleven, but hopefully they can all get along.
Then Naomi's mom comes out with a dozen or so hula hoops and orders everyone to use them in a hula-hoop contest, and we get to watch Jason make a total hash of it ("Be one with the hula hoop!" Naomi's mother earnestly tells him), while Naomi and her mother are amazing, and so is one of the little squirts, who manages to keep five or six going at the same time.
And now hula-hooping time is over, and Naomi's mom starts telling a story about hitting a dove with her car (although she maintains that the dove committed suicide by ... purposely running into it, I guess) and eventually comes around to the point, which is she saved the bird and brought it home so they could bury it and Jason could give the eulogy. "The dead bird is in here!" gleefully shouts Naomi's nephew, running out of the house with a paper bag. "I was seriously like, 'Are you (bleep) right now?'" Yes, Naomi. They are seriously (bleep) right now.
Jason, who grimly appears game no matter what's being thrown at him, admits he was not expecting to give a eulogy. The more I think about it, the more I think the dead dove is a rather apt symbol for the show, which has taken something pure and beautiful, and HIT IT WITH A FUCKING CAR. So Jason eulogizes the dead dove while Naomi's insane family buries it in the back yard with a garden trowel. And they do such a great job burying it that the next time it rains the dead bird's going to pop out of the ground like in Pet Sematary.
Inside, Hector starts lecturing Jason on how it's important to have inner strength in Jesus, and on how they raised Naomi from a biblical perspective, and meanwhile there are a couple of SLOT MACHINES in the living room, like can SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, and Jason comes clean about not having a whole lot of religious background, but if there's some sort of god who responds to pointless greeting-card sentiment about connection and love, then Jason's the bishop. "Today I learned that Hector loves Jesus," Jason tells us in an interview.
Then Joanne kidnaps Jason to talk about Naomi being very "psychically strong" and an "indigo kid," which apparently has something to do with wanting to see injustices righted, which only fits Naomi if she's secretly on The Bachelor to destroy it from the inside. "I feel like we're in the same soul family," says Joanne, who then asks how Jason feels about reincarnation. "I feel like anything's possible," says Jason, because he can't very well say, "You are a nutjob." Joanne suspects Jason may have been, I swear to god, a "temple priestess" in a previous life. On the plus side, Joanne is gorgeous, and maybe Naomi will age just as gracefully.
Outside, Hector tells Naomi that he talked to Jason about her Judeo-Christian upbringing, which is something he thinks she needs to consider. "I think Jason knows I am a spiritual person," she says, and I don't think Hector realizes Naomi means "spiritual" in its "I don't want to appear shallow but I also don't want to appear to want to marry Jesus" sense. She also says she honestly doesn't care if they believe in the same things or not. Really? Check out your own parents, Naomi, to see if it helps to believe the same things. Hector says he trusts them to make the right decision (appearance on The Bachelor notwithstanding, I imagine) and that he'll support her whatever decision she makes. Silly Hector! She has no control over this! It's entirely up to the man!
Jason and Naomi play tag with the kids in the backyard until it's time for Jason to go, like before Joanne swats a mosquito and orders Jason to eulogize it. Naomi walks Jason outside. "After Jason said goodbye to everybody, I knew 100 percent that I am falling in love with this man," she tells us, and then she and Jason suck face for ten minutes by the garage. She tells us that after her last relationship, she said the next time she fell in love would be with the man she's going to marry. Back inside, she tells her family that the next time she sees them, she could be engaged: "Isn't that crazy?" In this house? Nah. Naomi's sister asks if she'd say yes to his proposal after having known him for only six weeks, and Naomi says "yes!" and everyone toasts "new beginnings." This is what it sounds like when doves cry.
After the commercial break, Jason's in Dallas, "Ready to see Melissa and meet her family." Yeah, and it's totally going to happen, the whole "meet her family" part! Way to build the drama by having Jason constantly talk about it when WE ALREADY KNOW IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.
So Melissa has a little mini-picnic set up by a pond and she gives him a tooth fairy box for Ty to put his teeth in, and Jason thinks it was awesome that not only was she thinking of him but thinking of Ty as well, and he'll be sure to mention how impressive that was when he totally meets her family later, and eventually Melissa gets around to breaking the news to him: "You today will be meeting some of my best friends," she says. "My parents are not comfortable with the ... publicness, I guess of this." Jason asks how she feels about that, and she says it bothers her. Jason tells us it was disappointing that he's not going to get to meet them, because it's important to see how he gets along with the family. Melissa's also distressed by it, because he's going to get to meet all the other bachelorettes' families, and I hate to tell her that I think this is an advantage for her, and I'd like to say thank god for Melissa's parents who just don't want to have video cameras in their faces over what should be a family moment. "I don't want this to sway any decision he has on me." If it does, he's a dick, so don't worry about it, Melissa.
So it's over to her friend Stephanie's house, to meet her and husband Joe, and a nameless friend from Oregon and her husband Jason, and two adorable daughters, Corinne and Leah. So there's a little bit of hanging out in the living room, and Jason remarks on the girls being drawn to Melissa, and how it's "literally a gift" to be that good with children.
Back from commercial, Melissa is saying that she's disappointed that -- HOLY SHIT WE GET IT, YOU WANTED JASON TO MEET YOUR PARENTS, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
So the friends are all having dinner, and then they talk about how they never get to meet her boyfriends, and how maybe she didn't want her friends to meet them. In an interview, Stephanie says, "I don't really want to say that Melissa's past boyfriends have used and abused her, but in a way it see