And, see, hi. This is so dumb. Why hide from us who the spy is? We don't care, and we're going to find out anyway. Show her off in advance, have her hanging out with Jesse and plotting away how they're going to relay information, make it a groovy partnership, not an exercise in me licking my thumb and trying to wipe clean miles of my television screen because I keep thinking it's all smudged. Then when she gets out of the limo, she could have this totally funny little confessional where she's all, "Y'all, I'm the spy!" Anyway, right. Nervous. Nick asks her why she feels nervous, and she tells him that she doesn't know if she'll be able to pull it off. But they don't even know that there is going to be a spy in the house, so why would they even guess at it? If anything, they'll just be like, "I don't think ol' Blobface there has much chance of getting a rose, do you?" Because they can also see her...oh, never mind. She takes off her wedding ring and tells us in a confessional how hard that was for her, but I'm too busy reading the show's subtitled description of her, which reads like a busy, three-tiered wedding cake of excess information. She is "The Spy," below which is written, "Jesse's Friend," below which is written, "Posing as a Bachelorette." Generated by Next Entertainment's famed Department Of Redundancy Department.

Back at Jesse's place, our Bachelor packs his extra-large man clothing and voices over, "I have so many feelings running through my body right now." He's nervous. He's excited. He has what I think is a photograph of himself on his bureau.

Tiki Barber! I've heard of him. Jim Finn! I've heard of Tiki Barber! Two large men round a corner and enter the house of one Amani Toomer, who is another football player. Tiki (may I call you Tiki?) carries a black book filled with absolute, unrelenting proof that this first episode could have been nailed in an hour. Or less. Maybe it could have run as a commercial to some other series. I thought this country was getting rid of the Super Size. Inside the binder is a photograph of each of the twenty-five women Jesse is about to meet. Jessica is said to have "potential," while a "Celeste" inspires the comment that Jesse enjoys some "variety." Francine is deemed too "innocent." Let the women of the world understand: this is what men talk about when you're not around. Jessica is noted as looking like "a guy on our team." Which, really. Well done, Tiki. Or whoever.