Back in lovely, sunny stock footage L.A., we find ourselves in a hotel, where the girls are all being woken up by thankless production assistants who roll their eyes, roll up their sleeves, think, "could be worse, could be logging," and knock knock knock, it's time to wake up, ladies! One blonde says she didn't sleep very well. Another girl worries about being shy. Meanwhile, across town, Jesse wakes up, does a cursory look around his hotel room to see if he can discover what the hell the producers did with his shirt again, and confessionalizes, "I feel like I'm going on a blind date with twenty-five women." He's also happy that he has a spy. Because he has a spy.
And, as the final injury, the only thing I really loved from the premieres of the last couple of seasons: Meet The Producers. Well, it's been cancelled. Brilliant but cancelled. Instead of the second season of The Sally Ann Salsano Story, we are treated to yet another confessional with Blobface, who tells us how nervous she was when she was meeting the other girls. I mean seriously. What if the slot of the girl of Jesse's dreams were inadvertently occupied by The Spy? The other girls, meanwhile, listen as an unnamed producer (where art thou, Sally Ann Salsano?) welcomes them to The Bachelor, and a hair-and-makeup montage ensues. A girl named Karen drops the first "connection" bomb, celebrating the fact that she looked Jesse up online: "I wonder what he's doing right now!" What he's doing right now is sitting in a confessional room making exceedingly strained football metaphors for dating: "Today's game day. All the practices end." That's right! Get revved up and show those other footballers who's the boss of the footballing world! "Tonight, we're on the field. Lights go on. Put the eye black on. Let's go play." Erm. It's just dawned on me that he might actually think that he's on his way to a football game.
Trish hopes to "capitalize" on her long legs, indicating that said legs could be "wrapped around [Jesse] at some point in time." Mandy Jaye, meanwhile, tells us that the best thing that could happen is that Jesse see her "and [tell] all of the other girls to take a hike," following that immediately up with one of those breathy, whispered "No" that is meant to indicate all she's said until now is a hilarious farce and is the sad linguistic equal to saying, "I do not usually get the laughs." Dolores is Shiri Appleby trying desperately to get herself back on television. Don't remember who that is? Yeah. Me neither.