Bachelor
I Spy

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The Hell Nine Yards

"Sha la la la la la la!" DeShaun yells in satisfaction as she exits the limo. Why would a person do that? ["Because she's performing the theme song to Family Ties? Otherwise, there's no excuse." -- Wing Chun]

Jenny S., buried right in the creamy nougat center of the introductions, is The Spy. Her confessional is so delightfully generic that I can only imagine the blast they had writing it for her. "I'm not here to get a rose," she says. No. No, she certainly isn't.

Amber cannot wait to be a mom. Why? Is she pregnant?

Mandy C. is actually pretty foxy. In a slightly horse-like way. She's a twenty-five-year-old professional soccer player from San Diego. She says to Jesse, "I hear you can't throw a football." For some reason, this doesn't make him laugh -- as it should, Mr. Big Shot Quarterback, am I right? -- but instead he responds that he's "pretty bad at throwing with [his] right hand too, actually." Either 1) they're very deadpan or 2) there's something in the skillset of the quarterback that doesn't require a good throwing arm that I just don't know about OR 3) this elucidating little chat really clears up the Giants' winning percentage in the 2003 season.

Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk Limo #4:

Jessica is the fourteenth girl who looks exactly like Jessica. She is a golddigger of highest order. Even her sweater in her confessional is somewhat gold-colored.

Not that any of you will remember this person at all, but Holly looks a little bit like Shea, who I think was a fireman (whatever) during what I think was the Bob season. She got booted right away because it was part of a mathematical elimination that took place before Bob figured out that he could not, in fact, choose himself as the winner. But Holly wants us to know that she has "fire and spunk," which sounds like the best prog rock album you've never heard. Anderson and Wakeman would be proud. But not Bruford. Because that guy's a dick.

Kristy. Yeah, I don't know.

Katie is self-described as being "sweet and innocent." She's from Charlotte, North Carolina. You know what would match that dress? A red rose and a shattered heart. Let's see if we can work on that together.

Celeste doesn't have a prayer.

Limo #5 is alive!

Mandy Jaye has way too many names for the average interior designer. But not for one from Austin, Texas. She tells us that she likes "men in uniform," so I'll bet she's got one of those calendars with the black-and-white shirtless fireman holding the baby. What? You know you know what I'm talking about. Why do I, you ask? A friend had it. I was just looking when I went over. Stop looking at me like that.

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Bachelor

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