Bachelor
I Spy

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The Hell Nine Yards

Oh, my god. Blonde-a-palooza has no seeming end. I don't even remember that girl's name. Rewind? Why don't YOU rewind?

"My mom hadn't even really heard of The Bachelor," Kristin N. tells us. Oh, were I only so briefly able to switch bodies, Moore/Cameron style, with Mrs. N. Kristin is described as being a "Thai Pop Singer," which comes with a side of either brown or white rice.

Jen M. is twenty-four like rocks are twenty-four.

And, finally, Trish, the one with the legs that go all the way down to the floor. Watch out for this one. The promos insist upon it. She has a massive sweep of brown hair that pretty much ends in a mullet. She tells us in a confessional that she doesn't cook. She also tells us, "I've always been attracted to athletes. Getting paid for what you do well is a good thing." Wow. She has really specific tastes.

Shut up, Chris Harrison. "Jesse, you've just met twenty-five fantastic women." Really? "One of them your friend." No! "And a spy." Lies and deception! For truly, if one of those women had really been Jesse'e friend -- not to mention a spy -- I'm almost certain someone would have thought to mention it to us by now. "Normally, all of the roses are handed out at the Rose Ceremony," Chris vamps on, believing utterly in the alternate universe of reality this show forces Chris to inhabit. "But tonight is gonna be a little different." At which point Chris unearths his own long-stemmed rose from seeming nowhere and brandishes it in Jesse's direction, in what truly would have been the most shocking Rose Ceremony ever, were Chris to go down on one knee and be all, "Jesse, I've realized I can't live without and, well, I know it's not how it's usually done, but...will you accept this rose?" Ooooh. Awkward. "This is the first impression rose," Chris actually says, back in the world where this development signifies how this season "everything is going to be different." He continues, "You should give this to the woman who you want to invite to stay based on first impressions alone." So let me get this straight. Rather than having us wait until the first Rose Ceremony to see which of the total strangers we as-of-yet have no well-informed opinions of (because there are too many people to make for compelling television) that Jesse chooses, we're going to learn in advance of that one woman he'll definitely be giving a rose to. I guess this zany new wrinkle was fried up in an effort to ratchet up the competition between the ladies early on, but what this awesomely-named First Impression Rose really does is, if possible, further remove the drama of the first Rose Ceremony, because we already know of one person who will definitely be getting a rose. Not to mention the fact that that wouldn't really be that dramatic a development anyway, because we would have known who was getting the first few roses anyway based on the three conversations Jesse has in which he and the girl are totally hitting it off. The First Impression Rose, therefore, is kind of utterly meaningless, when you think about it or don't think about it. Call me when this show becomes ballsy enough to implement the Go Screw Yourself Rose, a wilting elimination rose that knocks someone out right in front of the rest of the room, often reserved for the token person of color or anyone who's not blonde.

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Bachelor

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