Bachelor
I Spy

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The Hell Nine Yards

Jesse descends the steps of the manse, coming to rest in front of the ladies and letting out a big, puffy-aired sigh. They crack up because if the guy is rich enough, even air can be a punch line. "I've been in some tough spots in my life," he waxes. "But nothing ever like this." All he feels is undeserving. He is undeserving. "I look at these roses and I hate it. Because I know what it means." Well, it's a somewhat less lyrical interpretation of the flower's inherent significance than when Gertrude Stein mused on it, but, then again, Jesse Palmer is an idiot.

And, here we go:

Kristy, will you accept this rose? Seriously, what's so mind-blowing about Kristy? She looks exactly like every other blonde there. She's Everygirl. Or should I say Dr. Everygirl? If this whole medical-student thing works out for her, I wouldn't even go to her for treatment, because I'll bet when it comes to antibiotic, she always prescribed the generic brand.

Anne-Catherine, will you accept this rose? Oh, Jesse's accent. So French! And he wants you to know!

Mandy, will you accept this rose? And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking. And I need you today, oh Mandy.

Celeste, will you accept this rose? Jesse should give it to her with a scrapbook to press the petals between, because this is only heirloom she's getting from this experience.

Jesse [, the Ex-Bachelorette], will you accept this rose? He said the wrong name! He said the wrong name! Oh, wait. That's later. But still. He said the wrong name.

Mandy Jaye, will you accept this rose? Maybe this is where, as she earlier suggested, her man "tells all of the other girls to take a hike." Heh. No.

Jenny S., will you accept this rose? My god, when will they just tell us who the spy is? It's absolutely killing me! Apropos of nothing, of course.

Amber, will you please accept this rose? There's an Amber?

Tara, will you accept this rose? There's a Tara?

Jean-Marie, will you accept this rose? There's a...sorry.

Jessica B., will you accept this rose? "Oh, my god. You almost gave me a heart attack!" she whispers as she entitles her way down to the front.

Julie, will you accept this rose? She tells him it's "a great gift," and all the girls laugh in a you-missed the-joke- you-losers-at-home kind of way.

Suzie, will you accept this rose? Hey, Suzie! Give me a hand!

Hi, Chris. Shut up, Chris.

And, finally tonight, Jesse ends the proceedings with the offer of his final, last, not-one-more-in-the-bunch rose: "Katie, will you accept this rose?" She screams with glee and accepts it before he even has a chance to offer it, with makes it a somewhat embarrassing pickle when Jesse suddenly calls Chris over with a "I need to talk to you real quick." They excuse themselves to the dining room, where Jesse gets right to it: "I forgot her name. That wasn't the girl I wanted to give it to." He begs, "We've got to do that again." Chris muses after what to do with Katie, Jesse worrying, "She's gonna be crushed." All right. We'll do this in baby steps. First, Jesse, maybe you'd like to briefly consider -- oh, I don't know -- lowering your own estimation of yourself? That would probably be a better indication of how other people feel about you. Which, so far, for the most part is a unanimous "meh." But of course the show pusses out as usual to make the Bachelor look like our hero, and Chris compromises that, if he wants, Jesse can always just give Katie the option to stay. Jesse thinks Karen might be someone he'd like to spend the rest of her life with. But first he needs to learn some of the fundamental aspects of her being. Such as her NAME.

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