"I think there's a lot more to Jesse than playing football," The Stache tells us in a surprise confessional. "He's an accomplished academic with two degrees, one in political science and one in business." Okay, maybe he's smart (and he's not), but "an academic"? Isn't that, like, actually a job? For people a bit more tweedy? The Stache fills in some more blanks, telling us that "he's wordly" as we find Jesse in France. Our insta-backstory continues via the matrilineal side, his mother Mrs. Stache telling us that, when it was announced at Jesse's college graduation that he had been drafted (in sports that's a good thing) by the Giants, "the entire arena erupted" in applause. And sure enough, we see some serious b-roll (people, this here is some c-roll, if you want the truth) of Jesse graduating from college on May 5, 2001. What were you doing on May 5, 2001? To the collective surprise of no one here, I think I was actually recapping. And it's true that the arena did erupt. But not the entire arena felt the joy, as the girl standing next to Jesse, who was probably accepting a certificate for curing typhus, gets no props at all. She looks horrified. She must be a huge Redskins fan.
Shots of a toning, oiled, muscular Jesse are accompanied by the segue voice-over, "What more could this successful, handsome NFL quarterback need?" Besides a shirt? How about we start with one of those.
No. I was wrong. It's "love." The password is actually "love." That's what Jesse wants. And a visit from Mark Wahlberg! We're in Jesse's tastefully undecorated New York City apartment, where we pop in on Jesse answering the door and letting in a guy I really, really thought was Marky-Mark himself. But I guess he couldn't be showing up at Jesse Palmer's house, because he actually spends most of his nights here at my house. Instead, we meet Nick, Jesse's college roommate, who is identified somewhat prematurely as "The Spy's Husband." He's married to Valerie Plame? Can we PLEASE stop telegraphing this all around town? The woman is in enough danger as it is, for crying out loud. Nick goes on to explain to us that he "would say that Jesse is probably her best guy friend" -- which I'm sure isn't threatening to Nick at all -- and that his wife is going to be "the spy on the show." Because there's going to be a spy on the show, in case you've never of television.
It's a somewhat different time period now, because two of Jesse's football-playing friends -- let's call them "Brandon Short" and some other football gentleman who is not immediately identified -- show up at the place. This seems like it's going to be some sort of a party! The two gentlemen speak of how Jesse will be ribbed in the locker room, with the towel-snapping and what-have-you. Back in the kitchen, we revisit with Mr. Spy, who asks Jesse if he's going to get married on television. Jesse spits back the witty rejoinder, "I'm, I'm, I'm w-w-worried about not falling over l-l-l-l-l-during the first Rose Ceremony!" and I wonder if he wasn't considering a triple major in Hilarity, if his father's dreams of his son's success hadn't gotten all up in it. He was also a quick study in linguistics, remembering fondly a time when the word "during" began with an "l."