I Spy

Episode Report Card
Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
The Hell Nine Yards

Back at Jesse's place, our Bachelor packs his extra-large man clothing and voices over, "I have so many feelings running through my body right now." He's nervous. He's excited. He has what I think is a photograph of himself on his bureau.

Tiki Barber! I've heard of him. Jim Finn! I've heard of Tiki Barber! Two large men round a corner and enter the house of one Amani Toomer, who is another football player. Tiki (may I call you Tiki?) carries a black book filled with absolute, unrelenting proof that this first episode could have been nailed in an hour. Or less. Maybe it could have run as a commercial to some other series. I thought this country was getting rid of the Super Size. Inside the binder is a photograph of each of the twenty-five women Jesse is about to meet. Jessica is said to have "potential," while a "Celeste" inspires the comment that Jesse enjoys some "variety." Francine is deemed too "innocent." Let the women of the world understand: this is what men talk about when you're not around. Jessica is noted as looking like "a guy on our team." Which, really. Well done, Tiki. Or whoever.

Back in lovely, sunny stock footage L.A., we find ourselves in a hotel, where the girls are all being woken up by thankless production assistants who roll their eyes, roll up their sleeves, think, "could be worse, could be logging," and knock knock knock, it's time to wake up, ladies! One blonde says she didn't sleep very well. Another girl worries about being shy. Meanwhile, across town, Jesse wakes up, does a cursory look around his hotel room to see if he can discover what the hell the producers did with his shirt again, and confessionalizes, "I feel like I'm going on a blind date with twenty-five women." He's also happy that he has a spy. Because he has a spy.

And, as the final injury, the only thing I really loved from the premieres of the last couple of seasons: Meet The Producers. Well, it's been cancelled. Brilliant but cancelled. Instead of the second season of The Sally Ann Salsano Story, we are treated to yet another confessional with Blobface, who tells us how nervous she was when she was meeting the other girls. I mean seriously. What if the slot of the girl of Jesse's dreams were inadvertently occupied by The Spy? The other girls, meanwhile, listen as an unnamed producer (where art thou, Sally Ann Salsano?) welcomes them to The Bachelor, and a hair-and-makeup montage ensues. A girl named Karen drops the first "connection" bomb, celebrating the fact that she looked Jesse up online: "I wonder what he's doing right now!" What he's doing right now is sitting in a confessional room making exceedingly strained football metaphors for dating: "Today's game day. All the practices end." That's right! Get revved up and show those other footballers who's the boss of the footballing world! "Tonight, we're on the field. Lights go on. Put the eye black on. Let's go play." Erm. It's just dawned on me that he might actually think that he's on his way to a football game.

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