Chris offers all of the girls a good morning and they dully respond as if they're trying to learn the phrase from a "Let's Go America" foreign language tape. Unfazed -- remember, he can't see their hypnotized-with-boredom expressions from OVER THE PHONE -- he plows on: "This week, there will be two group dates and two very special one-on-one dates. As I've told you, there are some surprises this time around. Here's another one: which two ladies get the one-on-one dates? It's up to you." What? THERE ARE SOME SURPRISES THIS TIME AROUND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE WHICH TWO LADIES GET THE ONE-ON-ONE DATES IT'S UP TO YOU??? You mad geniuses! What's next, Fleiss? Folgers Crystals instead of my brewed coffee? Is this just the introduction to the opposite sketch? Have I actually been buttering my toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Bachelor THIS WHOLE TIME? Where does the madness end, Fleiss? WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END? I'd use the expression "shock and awe" if it hadn't exited the lexicon twenty-four Presidential approval points ago. Meanwhile, the ladies utter words of incredulity and annoyance, and Brooke shows her surprise and displeasure though her eyes, which bulge unreasonably out of her head at...well, never mind.
Chris plays on unheedingly like Ferris Bueller's "I'm sick right now, so..." cassette tape, vamping, "We've set up a private voting booth in the next room." Ew. I haven't heard a less inviting way to begin a thought since it was followed up with, "So I'm going to take some pictures of you in the back room of the bicycle shop, okay, Arnold and Willis?" Anyway, Chris wants more with the talking, already: "You'll get the chance to vote on your fellow Bachelorettes and decide who you think is most compatible with Bob, down to who you think is least compatible." Down to? Does that mean they all ranked each other from best to worst? They look smug. "And no, you cannot vote for yourself." They look crestfallen. "But, it is completely up to you." Up to me? Because that's when the "surprises this time around" really start to kick some ass.
Hey look, everybody! It's Antoinette! And she looks like Blossom! Over in a confessional, she wears a wide-brimmed black hat like some freakish amalgam of every role Streisand has ever, ever played (yes, including Yentl) and, realizing she can't have her kidney pie and eat it, too, muses, "When Chris came in and said we were gonna vote on who was most and least compatible, the mood just kinda dropped."
That's Meredith going first, right? Who is that? How is it germane to the previous four-second confessional that Antoinette is a thirty-one-year-old Senior Account Manager from Philly, and yet the first brave participant of the long-form Kompatibility Kompetition is only maybe Meredith? Well, if she votes for Meredith as most or least compatible, we'll know it's not her. Or that it is her and she's duuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb.