Can you guys believe Cuba Gooding Jr. is playing a retarded football player befriended by a grizzled though kind-hearted Ed Harris? No, there wasn't a commercial for it. But sometimes I just can't believe it, y'know?
Married to the Who-lys? What the hell is that?
Inside the Little Shop Of Fame Whore-ers, the girls stand around waiting anxiously for the first Date Box to rear its clammy head. When it does, it takes the form of a giant clam (file under "Trying To, Shit I Couldn't Make Up) inside of which is a note for Meredith reading, "I just found out that the ladies voted us the most compatible. Surprises in the sand await us. See you soon. XO, Bob." Squeeee! He writes the way I made the joke last week about how his story editors write the way people talk! A polite round of applause -- in which the rest of the girls unconsciously name their right hands "screw" and their left hands "you" before mashing them together repeatedly in a show of passive-aggressive fury -- ensues, Meredith sharing with us in confessional, "I held back from jumping up and down and being really excited in front of the girls because I didn't want to upset anyone...That's just not me." Instead, it's the pesky specter of Foreshadowing, who has presently escaped from the giant clamshell and activated its calling card.
As Meredith primps for the date and muses on other things that just aren't her (being mean, being catty, not looking vaguely like a duck), a white phone on an otherwise empty marble table begins to rig downstairs. Estella (wait, is it?) grabs it, listens, pauses, says "who?" calls upstairs to Meredith, and hands it off to her as she arrives downstairs. Jenny matches not-really-Foreshadowing with not-actually-Backstory up at a party (those two, thick as thieves, always together), filling us in on what didn't happen: "Everyone, including herself, thought it would be Bob, since he had a date with her in, like, an hour." After what I'm guessing was an excruciatingly long break to reset the angle of the phone, shoot Meredith walking down the stairs, and capture her picking up the phone, she's allowed to find out that her grandmother kicked it. But first she has to think that this is just another one of those amazing surprises we'd be hearing so much about this season, as she heard her mother on the line and offers a sentimental "It's my mom!" She and the Burrelle's transcript who suddenly show up to display Mama Meredith's words at the bottom of my TV seem to have a bad bit of news: