Jake Meets the Bachelorettes' Families

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Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon (Hopefully)
We're still in San Francisco, at least for a little while, until we head off on the hometown dates. Jake tells us you really get to know a person when you see where they grew up, how they interact with their families, look at old pre-boob job pictures of the women, etc.

First stop: New York, Gia's hometown. "I'm so excited to share this with him, and show him my world," she says. As we watch them hug, Gia tells us Jake "is a great man," like you kind of want to tell her she's not dating Martin Luther King, and she's grateful to be alone with him so she can let her guard down and not let the other women fire up her insecurities.

She's decided on a harbour cruise, on which she points out the Chrysler building ("with the long pointy thing on top") and they take stupid photos, and we see professional photos that the show tries to pass off as the ones that Gia and Jake are taking.

Gia tells Jake that he's the first guy she's going to be introducing to her family that she hasn't been friends with first for a long time. Jake notes that she doesn't really talk about her past relationships, and Gia says she really only had one long one with a guy who was "into bad things" and cheated on her with all her friends. "Communication when we fought was just terrible," she says, which is kind of like saying "my health when I am sick is terrible" but ANYWAY if she and Jake are fighting and she calls him to talk she doesn't want him to ignore her? Because she'll end it right there? Or something? Jake says that isn't his style, and it's great that they're outlining the rules for fighting, as well as conditions that allow an immediate breakup. Jake tells us that he learned a lot about Gia, which is that she's been hurt before, so she's doing everything she can not to be hurt. I'd like Jake to explain how going on The Bachelor squares up with "doing everything she can not to get hurt," but he'd probably start to cry whilst hanging over a railing.

So they're going to dinner with Gia's family, including mother Donna, stepfather Tony, and a couple of brothers and stepbrothers or whatever. Gia says Donna is her "best friend." She really needs to know what her family thinks. Donna tells Jake that she has to talk to her daughter every day. "I need to know she's OK," Donna explains. Someone explain to Donna that Gia is 26, damn.

Donna wants to make sure Jake will have Gia's back. "I'll always have Gia's back," says Jake. Like what else would he say? Donna tells us she doesn't know if Jake's really serious about Gia. Yeah, when a dude is dating three other women, I'm sure I'd doubt the seriousness of it too.

So Donna and Jake go off to talk it out, and Jake can't very well say that he loves Gia and is going to propose, so he talks vaguely about how awesome Gia is. "It feels real organic," he says, in the manner of someone who needs his eyes poked out.

Gia's brother Erick has a heart-to-heart with Gia about how he doesn't want her to get hurt. And now Donna is talking MORE about "having Gia's back," and it kind of sounds like she wants Jake getting in bar fights over Gia or something.

And now Donna and Gia are talking. "I think I see the love in his eyes for you," says Donna. So much for Donna's vaunted opinion that Gia's talking about. Gia in fact has to be the one who points out that Jake is DATING THREE OTHER WOMEN, and Donna completely ignores that and talks about Jake loving her again.

"He can't possibly love me right now," protests Gia, and she just wants to be something different for Jake right now, or whatever, and she's practically crying, and then Donna is talking about how she felt the love in her heart, and maybe Donna should quit living vicariously through her daughter. And I'm starting to get depressed about the fact that Gia is my favorite of the four remaining women.

Meanwhile, Jake is talking with the family, with Erick in particular making sure Jake knows that Gia's been cheated on and Jake's going to run into these people or something, and how's he going to handle that? "I'm not a jealous guy, but I'm extremely protective," says Jake, in keeping with the daddy attitude that he seems to have towards grown women (some of whom on this show, admittedly, act like children -- particularly immature ones at that). "If I gotta hunt you down and break a few legs..." says Erick, and everyone laughs, because Erick is not exactly headed for an Ultimate Fighting Championship career or anything, and Erick doesn't even crack a smile and has to say that he's serious. What the hell is Erick going to do? Scratch Jake up a little with his physics-defyingly over-gelled hair?

So Jake and Gia sit on a stoop and watch the traffic go by, and Jake "saw the real Gia" (who's he been giving a rose to every week until now?) and Gia is falling in love with Jake, and everyone else is falling asleep.

So now we're in Ali's hometown of Williamstown, Mass., so she can stop acting like she's a born and raised San Francisco... ite? --anian? Ali refers to recent "drama" on the show, which was great, because we'd almost forgot! But now there aren't any other competitors around, so Ali's not going to be forced to cut a bitch or anything.

So there's Jake, and they're walking through the town, and now they're sitting on a park bench, and Jake is pants-wettingly cold, and keeps nudging closer into Ali, who starts yapping about how she's a California girl, but she can handle the cold, because she wants it both ways in terms of what she claims is her hometown. And I think it's cute that both of them think that fall in Massachusetts is COLD. "I'll be sitting on your lap here in just a second," he says. And then he is shaking the leaves off the trees and they are making wishes on maple leaves, which I don't think is a real thing. Jake tells Ali that he missed her, and I would like to ask if he missed her before, during or after dinner with Gia's family? We didn't see "missing Ali" come up as a topic of conversation with Gia or her family. Similarly, he hasn't brought up how much he's missing Tenley or Vienna yet.

"I love laughing with Jake, and it's been very easy for us to do that from the get-go," she says. And then she is taking Jake to the house her late grandmother lived in, where Ali spent a lot of time after her grandmother got sick. She wants Jake to "meet" her grandmother. "Even though she isn't here in body, I know she'll be here in spirit." And they sit outside for a while and talk about her, with Jake doing his best "I probably should not be rolling my eyes at this while I'm on camera" face.

"I really believe she made me the woman I am today," says Ali, and I think it's really unfair to level such accusations at a woman who isn't around to defend herself. Jake says walking through Ali's grandmother's house was really "intense" and made him think about life and love and going through all that with someone. And then Ali tells us that her grandmother accepted Jake into the family, and it sure is fortunate that the spirit of Ali's dead grandmother's wishes dovetail exactly with what Ali wants. "She is in tears, she's so happy, looking down on us," Ali tells us, and I have to point out that it's not too late for Jake to run away screaming.

So now Jake's going to get to visit some actual living people: Ali's mom Elizabeth, older sister Rya (?) and little brother Mikey. "My mom is not an easy lady to impress," Ali tells us, and recounts the riveting tale of Elizabeth knowing when Ali wasn't happy with a previous guy. Because she wasn't! And it didn't work out!

So Elizabeth didn't really know that much about Jake so she went online and found a clip of him spouting his cheesy bullshit about how physical beauty is great but we all get older or some such nonsense, and then she tells Jake that Ali has a heart of gold. All I can say is I wonder what Ali's mom and her dead grandmother think when they watch Ali's behaviour the last few weeks.

Outside, Elizabeth asks Jake what family means to Jake. Family is important, says Jake. "You seem ve

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