Bachelor
Jake Meets the Bachelorettes' Families

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Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon (Hopefully)
ry genuine, very sincere. This seems very special. In terms of my blessing, you have it," Elizabeth tells him. Yes, Elizabeth, it's so special that this touching scene is being recreated in three other households.

Elizabeth tells Ali that her sense of Jake is that he's real and sincere, and Ali responds by saying something about how awesome it would be if he were her husband. "I do feel good about him," says Elizabeth, who then starts talking about intuition, and Ali has her support, and she's ready to start planning a wedding. Elizabeth tells us that her intuition doesn't often fail her. Elizabeth, here's Donna's phone number. I think your intuitions need to talk to each other.

Then Ali and Jake are kissing outside, and Ali tells Jake, "I want you," and adds that if he asked her to marry him today, she would say yes. Jake holds his "sincere" smile for a while. What's he going to do? He can't say he feels the same (even if he does), so he takes his gloves off so he can grab her face with both hands and look as soulful as he can while he rams his tongue down her throat. They talk about how they're going to miss each other. Yes, because Jake is off to do the exact same thing with Tenley! That's how much he's going to miss her!

Jake's off to Newberg, Oregon, Tenley's hometown. Her "core values" really line up with Jake's! Aww. It's like reading Keats! "I've missed her like crazy," Jake tells us. Like when you kissed Ali after she said she wanted to marry you?

Tenley and Jake stroll through the woods. "I want to ask him who he is as a man," says Tenley, because she's been burned and wants to find the man she wants to "spend forever" with. For someone who hates to talk about her ex, she sure brings him up a lot. She says her ex-husband let his parents run his life. Now knowing what the wrong answer is, Jake confidently says he runs just about everything he does by his parents, because they give good advice, but the decision is ultimately his. Tenley calls him "honourable and wise," and again you kind of think a) do these women think they're dating Gandhi or something, and b) how depressing must the other men they've dated have been to make them think of Jake as the second coming? And then she talks about how she wants someone to "be the man" and take the reins, but also make things about them as a team, and I can feel my gorge rising. Translation: Tenley plans to continue sitting on the couch while Jake works, but during this marriage, she plans to get off the couch or out of the kitchen to greet her husband when he comes home. Fortunately (at least for these two), this seems to be exactly what Jake wants too. Nice that their core values are rooted somewhere in the 1940s.

So then Tenley takes Jake to the dance studio that she "grew up" in, and she says that she choreographed a dance routine just for Jake, who is presumably confused by the fact that there's not a brass pole on the dance floor, and he tells us that he was just "melting into the chair" while she was doing her So You Think You Can Dance-reject routine, and then they are dancing together, and Tenley is just bubbling over with happiness because her ex-husband never really saw her dance, which Jake can't believe. You know, I don't condone cheating. But I also don't condone coming to conclusions about a situation or a person based on one side of the story.

So Jake's the first man Tenley's brought home since her divorce, and Jake feels her family will be the most (OF ALL THE FAMILIES OF ALL THE WOMEN HE'S DATING) cautious.

So Jake and Tenley meet the parents, and Tenley says it's great for her family to see her beaming. Was she divorced last week? The timeline's starting to confuse me. Apparently Tenley hasn't seen her mom since she broke the news about her divorce? Really?

They sit down to dinner, and Tenley burbles about getting the first impression rose (which doesn't surprise her mom) and dancing. Tenley's dad takes Jake upstairs to find out what kind of easy answers a guy might give when he's meeting a woman's family on camera.

Tenley's dad says they watched Jake last season on The Bachelor, and were impressed by Jake. Wait, this guy watched it before his daughter was on it? "You appeared to be a man of integrity, and I admired you," says Tenley's dad, who then asks if Jake actually is a man of integrity. Jake says he is. Which is great, because now Tenley's dad can check off "man of integrity" on his checklist. And Jake mentions "values" again.

And then Tenley and her dad have an emotional conversation about how hard it is for a father to watch his daughter get hurt, and of course they have to do the unnatural thing where they pretend there's not a camera there. I would NEVER, EVER submit my family to this. Everyone involved should be ashamed. And since my daughter was born, I am an absolute basket case about movies, television shows, television commercials, that depict father-daughter relationships, or even shows where little girls are sad. You know how towards the end of Monsters, Inc., when Sulley sadly says goodbye to Boo and goes back in the closet, and she runs to the closet and opens it up but it's just a regular closet again? That makes me cry EVERY TIME. I'm crying right now TYPING ABOUT IT. And that's a cartoon! This tearful conversation between a daughter and her father? Leaving me completely cold.

Meanwhile, Tenley's mom is talking about herself in the third person and wants to know if Jake has any questions for her. Jake wants to know if she thinks Tenley would be ready to get married again. "Tenley's going to have emotional spillovers for a while," says Tenley's mom. Yeah, that sounds like "no" to me, but she adds that if anybody could be (if anybody could be ready for marriage again?), it's Tenley.

So everyone's having a great time, which is great, given that Tenley's ex-husband was apparently a drunk child-molesting adulterous puppy-kicker. "I'm nothing like her ex-husband at all," Jake tells us, under the impression that Tenley was married to Daniel Plainview. Jake then asks Tenley's dad if he can have his permission to marry his daughter. And Robert gives his blessing, as long as Jake understands the responsibilities of taking care of her, and they shake on it, and hug, and maybe this was edited out, but at no point do we hear Robert say, "How about you stop dating other women who you are saying all this same bullshit to before you have the nerve to ask to marry my daughter?" followed by, "And if you ever do settle on my daughter, the only permission you need is from her." I mean, this guy has SEEN The Bachelor, so he knows what's going on.

Tenley tells us, "I can honestly say, my heart feels safe. I'm falling for Jake."

So now we're in Sanford, Florida, because Vienna's a "Florida girl," so this at least gives us hope that one or both of them will be eaten by alligators. They take a boat down the river, and it looks kind of like Apocalypse Now, only more grim. Vienna tells Jake that her dad has only met two guys that she's seriously dated, and didn't like either one.

Jake tells us that Vienna puts her dad on a pedestal, and he really needs his approval. And then we're at Vienna's dad's place, and there is much hugging, and then Vienna and her dad are crying, and Vienna tells us that she's daddy's girl, and her dad "takes care" of her, and I SWEAR TO GOD I will disown my daughter if she is well into her 20s and talking this bullshit like an entitled 12-year-old.

So then Vincent takes Jake out to the garage, and brings up the fact that Jake is dating other women, and he treats Vienna like a princess and he expects the man she marries to do the same, because Vienna will do the same for Jake: "The house will be clean, the kids will be raised right," Vincent promises on behalf of his daughter, because I suppose a FUCKING JOB is out of the question. Besides, if you don't treat Vienna right, she'll probably just Previous 1 2 3 4Next

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