Jake Meets the Bachelorettes’ Families

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Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon (Hopefully)
arget="_Blank">steal your money to get a boob job anyway. Anyone want to make a bet that Vincent thinks his daughter's still a virgin?

Jake promises he would treat Vienna like a princess. "I'm really into her. She's amazing. I'm falling hard." And then everybody sits around together, and Jake talks about how all the other women are jus' jealous of Vienna but he's not listening to that, which makes him look like the big protector man of poor wittle Vienna.

Then Vienna and Jake cuddle in her bedroom, which is tiny, while Jake talks about falling for Vienna, which is great, but it's also scary "because it's so real." And then Vincent busts in to make sure there's at least 12 inches between the two of them on the bed. He should probably also make sure that Vienna's got her homework for tomorrow finished, or there is no WAY she's going to the dance Friday night! My god, this is depressing. I'm starting to think that Vienna should just leave the show now because I think her mental age disqualifies her for marriage under most states' age of consent laws. Then they make out.

"I have completely fallen for all four women," he says. There's a knock on his door, and it's a distraught Ali coming in to pout and cry on the couch. He asks her what the matter is, and it takes her a while to get it out. She says she has the most "impossible decision" to make. She has to choose between staying here and going back to work. Easy decision, because Jake's not going to want you to have a job anyway.

Ali says she wanted to let Jake know, and she'll need him to help her. Help her what? "So what are you asking me?" She cries and says she doesn't know, when what she really wants is for him to propose right now so she can go back to her job. And since he can't do that, he makes some nice noise about he's grateful to have met her, but he can't guarantee that he's going to put a ring on her finger. Of course, he can't say he won't either.

God, this goes on forever. She says she'll let him know at the rose ceremony, and he sees her to the door, and they kiss, and he magnanimously tells her that whatever she decides is OK, which is really big of him. Then she collapses and cries in the hallway, great big tears of not-mature-enough-to-get-married-anyway. Jake tells us that he's not ready for Ali to go, but if she stays she'll be fired. "It's a situation that's beyond her control," he says. No, it's a situation that's beyond your control, you increasingly-creepily-paternalistic douchebag. The situation is ENTIRELY within her control. Jesus, what kind of asshole wouldn't say "go back to your job; if we're meant to be, it'll work out"? I have to say, as someone whose girlfriend once had to move away for a job opportunity, I DON'T SEE THE TRAGEDY HERE. I found a job where she was, and moved to be with her, and we'll have been married five years next week. To make a long story short: grow up, Ali.

So Jake goes for some bro-on-bro advice with Chris Harrison, and he talks about how sad he'll be if Ali leaves, and how he'll do a backflip if she stays. Harrison asks if it'll be a lot of pressure on him and the two of them if Ali quits her job and stays. Yeah, what if she quits her job and she's not the one, asks Harrison. "I know. I can't even respond," says Jake.

Then he starts talking about how when he was in her hometown, he was looking at her like he might spend the rest of his life with her. Well, the good news is you've got three others who you feel the exact same about, Jake. ACCORDING TO YOU.

So the women arrive one by one as Jake voices over different nice things about all of them and says again that he's fallen for all four women. It's too bad no one has told him that it's the fact that he keeps saying ridiculous contractually obligated bullshit like this that indicates he doesn't have any idea what love means. And now "the tables have turned," Jake tells us, because he has no idea what's going to happen tonight.

"Chris, can I talk to you for a second?" Ali asks, and we go to commercial. Ooh, all dramatic. Hey, while we're on the subject, I think it's fair to applaud The Bachelor for what seems to have been a complete eradication of the meaningless "the most [adjective] [noun] in Bachelor history!" promos.

After the commercial, we watch that again, from a different angle! "This is crazy," whispers Tenley. Sounds kind of like the other women have some idea what's going on. Ali tells us that she never thought she'd have to choose between the guy she loves and the job she loves, and too bad she can't hear us telling her "you don't!" Harrison escorts Ali to Jake's room, and says he'll give them a couple minutes to talk. Jake and Ali sit down on a couch, and he takes her hand. "You're beautiful," he says. "You look really, really, really handsome," she says, both of them immediately identifying what is actually really the most important thing to them.

Jake asks "Where are you right now with us?" and she babbles incoherently and says nothing. "I know what I want you to do and what I want you to tell me. But I want it to be your idea," he says. Asshole. She says maybe she needs him to say it. Invertebrate! Jake says she came here for a reason, and then they start to talk about how much she's falling in love, and she swings her legs onto his lap.

"If you're falling in love with me, then you need to weight that," says Jake, and then Ali burrows into him and cries like a little girl, and she looks exactly like my daughter does when she's hurt her knee playing and needs a hug from me, and I think at this point she ought to decide to quit, since after watching this disgusting display, if I were her boss, I'd be looking for excuses to fire her. "I don't want you to go. We have something really special," he says, and he says he "loves the fact" that he's falling in love with her, and if she "chooses" to leave, he will be devastated. And then they kiss and she says "I love you" and of course he doesn't say it back. And then Harrison comes in and asks if Ali's made a decision, and she full-on BAWLS and says she wants a little more time. And we go to another commercial break. Are you KIDDING me with this shit?

And then, finally, blessedly: "I have to go. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she says, and they hug. Because love cannot exist outside of the television cameras and the rules laid down by this show, so this is supposed to be some kind of tragedy. Jake walks her out, to a limo. "I feel like you're slipping right through my fingers. And I don't know how to stop you," he says. God, shut the fuck UP, Jake, and let her HAVE A JOB, and if you love her, bag on the rest of the show and be with her. YOU FLY PLANES, for God's sake. I'm sure you can make it to San Francisco. "I'm so sorry," Ali says again as she gets in the limo, and why she's apologizing to Jake, who has been an utter dick about this whole thing, I have no idea.

Then we're forced to watch Jake force himself to cry and drape himself all sensitively over the railing on the hotel steps. But hey, looks like he's getting over it: "I have three wonderful women waiting for me, and they've given their heart to me, and if I give up now, I don't deserve to find true love," Jake tells us.

He and Harrison walk back in and Harrison announces that because Ali left, there won't be a rose ceremony. Jake's thrilled that he doesn't have to hand out roses, so he invites the women to come pick up their roses. You know, for someone who just had his heart broken, ACCORDING TO HIM, he sure is smiling pretty easily. He tells the women that they're heading off to St. Lucia next week for the sex dates!

Meanwhile, Ali probably ought to be on suicide watch in the limo. "What did I do? How could I have left him?" she moans. Well, you left a man who doesn't say "I love you" when you say it to him because he's dating three other women, and you'll lose your job if you don't. What exactly was your dilemma? I don't normally discuss previews but I would like to point out that it's not really any surprise that Jake appears to get a call f

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