Bachelor

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I Lost My Lunch in San Francisco

The RVs are arriving in San Francisco, and there are just five women left. Tenley says that Jake is very serious, since last time he said goodbye to four women. Logically, when only one woman is eliminated tonight, that means he's only about twenty-five percent as serious as he used to be. Ali's from San Francisco, so she's extra excited. Jake says he's "really excited" about his final five women, and he has to figure out which women he wants to meet his parents, which he says takes the relationship to a whole other level. I'm not sure that "implicating these women's parents in this cultural crime against humanity" is a whole other level, but there you have it.

The women are amazed at the hotel suite they're in, which is nice, if not as orgasmic as they're reacting. There are three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one this time. So there's an extra date, which Jakes will let him get to know all the women that much better. And apparently the roses aren't up for grabs on these dates, like not even on the two-on-one? I missed that somehow in the explanation, but when I watch The Bachelor I engage in primal scream therapy every ten minutes or so, so this was probably explained one of the times that I was screaming. I guess this is punishment for us for enjoying the bachelorette "bloodbath" last week.

Tenley opens the first date card, and it's for her: "Let's get our love on track in San Francisco." She squeals and hops up and down, and then she explains that she's really excited. "This is becoming very real," she says, and then seems to have a heart attack or stroke. She's sweating, and Vienna starts fanning a couch cushion at her. She sits there open-mouthed and staring for about five minutes while she realizes that the fate of the world hangs in the balance of her date with Jake. I'm not even kidding. She's frozen up like there are ten seconds left on the timer and she doesn't know if she should cut the red wire or the blue wire.

Jake tells us he's really excited. "Tenley seems like a really sweet girl. She's positive all the time," he says, and he knows Tenley was really hurt by her cheatin' ex-husband. Really? Maybe she should have MENTIONED IT ONCE OR TWICE. Good for her, she's going after her "second chance at love," and she still has a "lot of love to give" and it's nice that she refuses to consider herself shrivelled up and worthless at 25 or however old she is.

They ride their own streetcar to Chinatown and eat suckling pig and watch fortune cookies get made. Too bad Tenley's ex-husband never got the "stick with your wife" fortune and got "you will find happiness with a new love" one. And everyone get ready to puke, because the two of them are writing fortunes for each other that they'll read later. And then they are having tea and kissing, and Tenley says, "Falling in love in San Francisco would be so incredible," whatever that's supposed to mean. Sadly, the two of them are so dorky that they seem to think they've actually visited another country. Jake says he's starting to fall in love with Tenley, and he wants to get to know Tenley more and "get in her head," but I think he means "pants."

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Bachelor

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