Bachelor

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I Lost My Lunch in San Francisco

Since the other women have nothing to do but talk about Jake, they get all excited when the next date card comes. Corrie reads the card and says it's for Ali and Vienna. "Come be the queens in my castle." Ali just busts out and says, "I feel sick right now." Only it turns out Corrie was just kidding when she read the card. Instead it's Gia and Vienna. Which is pretty hilarious -- major points for Corrie from me -- and as a bonus, now Ali has to backtrack on her obnoxious "I feel sick right now." Ali contorts herself into knots trying to pretend that it has nothing to do with Vienna, but because San Francisco is her town, which doesn't go very far in explaining Ali's rudeness to Vienna in all the other places not named "San Francisco." Vienna's upset that she's not going on a one-on-one, and Ali snottily asks if Vienna wants her to leave, like YOU STARTED IT, ALI, and Vienna says sure, but Ali hates having her bluff called so she just bitches some more at Vienna and continues to try to pretend that her problem with Vienna HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH VIENNA. She blathers on about how their personalities are so different. Vienna contends that Ali's problems with her "aren't going to break up Jake and I," like they're an ACTUAL COUPLE. In the end, Vienna just decides to go pick out her outfit for the date, and I'm not sure if the phrase "lesser of two evils" has ever been more applicable.

Tenley and Jake are going to the iconic Coit Tower for supper, which has a pretty spectacular view of the city. "Tenley, of all the women, is the one I picture most as my wife," he says, which is weird since this is their first one-on-one date. But he's worried about giving his heart away because she's divorced, which sounds awfully douchey. And he asks her what mistakes she made in her marriage, and she says that she wishes she jumped off the couch or came out from the kitchen to greet her husband when he came home? Is she blaming herself for her husband's affair?

She asks what Jake is expecting from marriage, and says people don't realize they have expectations, but "expectations exist," like WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT, and Jake wants his wife to "has [his] back," no matter what mistakes he might make, and given that Tenley's last husband cheated on her, maybe he could talk about expecting to support his wife no matter what mistakes SHE makes, and he thinks the marriage might not always be perfect, but the love will be, or something. Then Tenley asks about pilots' unfaithfulness. "Cheating is a choice. You have to make a choice to cheat," he "explains," adding that he won't make that choice? No shit cheating is a choice. Tenley seems satisfied, though.

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Bachelor

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