Bachelor

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I Lost My Lunch in San Francisco

And then they play soccer and then lie on the grass and Ali straddles him to massage him, all the better to do some boob-squashing as she makes out with him. Ali gives him the "I never in a million years thought I'd be here" speech that so many bachelorettes make, even though all of them have to apply to be on the show and interview and everything.

And now they are having champagne, and then Jake says he wants her to know that if she ever has any questions about anything, she can come to him. You're not her DAD, Jake. She starts vaguely babbling about seeing things that other people don't see, and he presses her to be specific, and she says she doesn't, and he finally just interrupts her blatherings to say, "about Vienna," like he is actually hectoring her to get her to admit to not understanding why Vienna's still around. "I hear what everyone's saying, but I don't see that," he says, like so much for not caring what other people think. Ali looks less than thrilled to have to be lectured on how Vienna "goes out of her way" to let Jake know that she's here for him, and I can't say I blame her. And Ali is certainly less emphatic about her hatred for Vienna when she's with Jake, and she tells us she needs to trust Jake "through and through" -- Jake knows best! Jake will do what's right! -- and now they are making out and now they are running into the surf, and now they are making out in the surf. "I could have stayed out there forever," says Ali, and I don't think anyone watching would have been upset if the two of you had never come back. "I am so smitten with that boy," Ali tells us.

So now the women are all dressed up for the cocktail party. Vienna tells us it's important to get a rose tonight, AS OPPOSED TO ANY OTHER ROSE CEREMONY, because next week are the hometown dates. Poor wittle Jake tells us that it's "killing" him to have to send people home, and there's Jake toasting the women and letting them know that he's falling for all of them. It's a monumentally dumb thing to say, but Jake is nothing if not sincere, I've come to accept -- that he honestly believes the bullshit he spews -- so I'm sure he meant it to seem nice rather than non-committal.

Tenley's practically crying because it's been days since she's seen Jake and he's gone on a couple of good dates, so she needs to sit down with Jake and be validated. Her insecurity is kind of off-putting, but Jake seems to dig it, and he wants to let her know that she's special to him, so when she burbles that she wants to Jake, they get up and start dancing. And then they're making out.

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Bachelor

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