Bachelor
Jake Takes One Woman Bungee Jumping

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Unfunny People

Chris says good morning to the women -- bleary-eyed and makeup-free they are, this early in the day. A few should really consider calling their lawyers and getting a court order to destroy this footage -- and talks about how it's important to move on. Yeah, so no fucking any of the producers this week! We're serious this time! Anyway, he's got the next date card. It's for Vienna: "Let's fall head over heels together. Jake." "I'm ecstatic!" she tells us. Michelle, who thinks of herself as "very attractive," is pissed off about it, and Vienna might be making a few enemies as she blathers on about how excited she is to show Jake her fun side. Ali is particularly perturbed. She figured that after her one-on-one date with Jake, he wasn't going on any with any other women, apparently.

Jake tells us that he thinks Vienna is "intense" and "the life of the party" and she's, you guessed it, out of his "comfort zone." As always, the woman is a type who the Bachelor is not used to dating at all. It would be amusing to see the reverse: "Yeah, I've dated lots like her. I totally know how she operates."

Jake likes adventure dates, and Vienna's "definitely the woman to do it with." Oh, he means an "adventure date." Sweet. Three episodes in, and our first helicopter ride. "Being in the helicopter with Jake right next to me, holding my hand, is the most amazing feeling," Vienna tells us. Did you know she wants to get that rose? The helicopter passes over the bachelorette house, where the other women are lying out in the sun and talking shit about Vienna. Kathryn says Vienna has definitely "ruffled some feathers" and she doesn't know if Vienna will come home with a rose, one of those classic "the women don't like her, therefore Jake won't either" moments.

So the helicopter flies over the cliffs and valleys, but Jake is looking uncomfortable because he knows what's coming next: there's an apparatus set up on a high bridge, and Vienna starts mildly freaking out, because she's scared of heights. As is Jake, and he tells us that people think it's crazy when he tells them he's scared of heights (what with him being a pilot and all). Why the hell are they doing this if they're both scared of heights? It's not like one day knowing how to bungee jump is going to save your life. You don't need the experience to succeed in your career. Vienna says they looked over the bridge and they both started panicking. Jake tells us it was about a hundred-foot drop. And they drag out the jump for an incredibly long time, considering they've shown us in the previews that they did it. Is the way Jake's whimpering on Vienna's shoulder supposed to be a turn-on? My three-year-old would have been over the edge twenty minutes ago. After five hours, they jump off, tethered together, and then they make out while dangling upside down, and Jake says this is what he needs, is for them to overcome their fears together as a couple. Yeah, like if I'm scared of snakes, I should go climb into the fucking boa constrictor cage at the zoo, so I could get over my fear of creepy reptiles that can kill you, right?

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