Ali is up first. She asks why Tigger was licking the toilet. He was looking for Pooh! Jessie reads her jokes off a piece of paper. Tenley tries to put her legs behind her head, and she can't even do that, so she probably loses points in a couple of categories for Jake. Elizabeth tells some raunchy joke that I can't really make out because she gets bleeped. Something to do with fucking some guy, apparently, and Jake is all, "Yet I can't kiss her! Jake confused, and intrigued!" Kathryn just brings Jake on stage so she can kiss him. By this point, I'm imagining the black people in the audience thinking, "That night we saw Michael Richards was funnier than this."
And then, doing comedy like Jack Ruby did Lee Harvey Oswald, Michelle starts talking about coconuts missing from palm trees, and then looks at her breasts and says they're there, and they're waiting for Jake. And you can hear the crickets. Then, somehow even more horrifyingly, she talks about going golfing and then being on the green how her hole is waiting for her one-on-one time. I SWEAR TO GOD SHE SAID THAT. Even the Jeff Foxworthy-loving dude in the audience is shaking his head. Ashleigh doesn't come down when Lovitz calls her, so Corrie comes on, and she does impressions of the other bachelorettes, which all the strangers in the audience who DON'T KNOW THESE WOMEN must have appreciated. Especially since her impressions all consist of saying, "Hi, I'm [name of bachelorette]!" and then adding "I like to work out" "I like my blonde hair!" etc. You know the way you would impersonate people when you were a kid? "Duh, I'm stupid Steven! Duh duh duh!" That's what this was like. Then she launches into Vienna, talking about how she likes to talk shit about the other women and walk around topless. The other women are killing themselves laughing. Jake says he was concerned about that, since the other women are apparently seeing a side of Vienna that he doesn't. Maybe it should concern you that Corrie comes off jealous and vicious, you idiot.
Then Ashleigh comes out and tells blonde jokes. Are these the ones Jake wrote down for her? Nice. People in the audience are killing themselves: "Blonde people ARE stupid! It's hilarious because it's true!"
Anyway, later they're at this club called The Roosevelt for the "wrap party." Can we please stop calling these "wrap parties"? Jake toasts the other women, saying he's so proud of them. For what? They sucked! Tenley gets some one-on-one time, and she's scared to tell Jake what she needs to tell him. At this point I'd like to remind her that she got divorced, not syphilis. But the fact that she still seems to be hung up on the guy who left her OUGHT to be a concern for any guy. Oh, wait. Her deal is non-virgin guilt, apparently, because she saved herself for her wedding night, so any future husband isn't going to get to be the first, or whatever, like welcome to the 21st century, Tenley. She's crying, and Jake hugs her, and Jake tells us it made him like her more, because she went through that, whatever that means, and then they make out. It's not like he's going to tell the other women that he's disappointed they're not divorced.