Bachelor
Jake Takes One Woman Bungee Jumping

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Unfunny People

So she gets some one-on-one time, and she talks tearfully to Jake about how she wants love, and she asks if it would be awkward if she asked him to kiss her. You mean more awkward, right? And they share a little peck, and Michelle says "you gotta give me more than that" and the other women are watching for "body language" and Jake is really uncomfortable and says he just wants this night to be over, and she talks about how maybe she should just go home, and Jake's all, "I think it's best if you do go," and she can't believe it, so he walks her to the curb. Bluff called, Michelle. "I'm not going to let another girl go when you don't even know if you want to be here," Jake tells us.

Crying on the sidewalk, Michelle says she really wanted to find a husband. Well, then, good job coming on a show that means you have your choice of ONE guy, and you're competing against twenty-four other women. Anyway, Michelle apparently thinks she was the odds-on favorite: "Certain people felt that I was the girl," says. The other voices in your head don't count, Michelle. God, I feel bad for the women who react like going on The Bachelor is like their final, last-ditch experimental treatment for some rare disease that's going to kill them if it doesn't work.

Then Jake comes back to the other women to tell them what happened and how he's so sensitive that he's not going to give out a rose tonight because things have just been so crazy or whatever, and I think he's not doing anyone any favors by not saying "You're all lame and no one deserves a rose" and he walks away and the women spend a little time talking about how "amazingly strong" Jake is for some reason (can we please please PLEASE stop with the sanctification of the Bachelor/Bachelorette for merely not being selfish assholes?), and then a little time talking about how Vienna should be the next one eliminated.

Ella's very excited about her date. "I feel like it's my wedding day!" she says. Shit, dial it back, Ella! "I think Ella is a wonderful woman, and I'm really excited to see where our relationship's going to go," Jake tells us. Then he talks about the sacrifices Ella's made to be here, since she left a son behind to be here. Sounds more like her son's sacrifice, if you ask me. Which is not to criticize her necessarily. The kid's probably having a great visit with his grandparents or something. But I'm also tired of the contestants being praised for "making sacrifices" or "putting their lives on hold" or whatever bullshit. They're not digging wells for impoverished villages in Africa or anything. Any "sacrifices" they're making are entirely self-imposed and avoidable.

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