Jason Breaks The Rules

Episode Report Card
Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Sincerely Yours, Jason
So I guess everyone in the bachelorette house is still too devastated from all the rule-breaking and history-making of the previous episode, because the women aren't even already waiting and drinking when Chris arrives to tell them how this week is going to go, so he has to bellow for them to get their asses into the living room.

He talks some shit about how awesome it is for all the women that Jason didn't give out the final final rose last time, because it means he sees a future with all of them, and I hate to tell Chris that unless this is turning into Big Love Bachelor, there's still going to be only one proposal whenever this mess runs its course.

So: there's a group date and two "very romantic" one-on-one dates. There won't be a rose given out on any of those dates; it's just about spending time with Jason. Then Chris tries to make it seem like he's pulling the rug out from under everybody by telling them, "All of you will be leaving this house." That's because they're all going to Seattle, which is where the next rose ceremony is going to be. Melissa thankfully explains to us the importance of going to Seattle: "One of us is going to be moving there and starting our life there."

So Jason also explains that it's important the women come to Seattle because it's not just about whether a particular woman is right for him, or just about if they're right for Jason and Ty together, but also about if she "fits" in Seattle, and I'm kind of amazed that moving to where his future temporary-fiancee lives is not at all an option.

There's Jason arriving home, and he's trundled his suitcase like half a mile down the street, just for the purpose of having some video to hang a voiceover on. And there's a sweet reunion between Jason and Ty. "Not having Ty is like not having part of my heart," says Jason, and I wonder how much he thinks about giving up a piece of his heart for the chance to go spend time with the likes of DeAnna and Megan and Lauren. "My favorite part of Seattle is Ty," he says, and I hate to tell Jason that Ty is not exactly the Space Needle. I mean, if you left Seattle, Ty would come with you, Jason.

So Jason is waiting at the hotel entrance for the women's limousine, and I imagine the other guests of this fine establishment appreciated all the squealing and carrying-on as the five drunken bachelorettes spill out of the limousine into the arms of their sugar daddy. To imagine how the women are behaving, think of what it would feel like if you heard there was an accident involving the bus your spouse takes to work every morning, and several people were killed. And now imagine that you rush down to the accident site because you don't know if he or she is OKAY. And then you see the love of your life among the survivors being tended to. The elation and happiness you feel in that moment is approximately half what the women seem to be going through upon seeing Jason standing there. Jillian tells us that she "literally catapulted" out of the limo.

So Jason takes them up to the room where they'll be staying, and Naomi drapes herself all over the grand piano, and then Jason announces that Melissa is getting the first one-on-one date. Naomi immediately starts to sulk because, as she tells us, she assumed she would get the first date. It's logical, she says, because she hasn't had one yet. She hasn't figured out yet that "logic" has barely a passing relationship with this show.

So there's Melissa all excited getting ready for her date, and I can't tell if she looks nice or not, because my attention is drawn to this weird asymmetrical snake-clasp thing holding her dress on her boobs. And there's Jason getting ready while Ty is acting sulky and grumpy. He might be upset that his dad is going on a date, or he might be just annoyed that his dad likes to just casually take his shirt off and then wander around shirtless.

So Melissa waits for Jason to arrive, and 7:30 comes and goes, and Naomi says something about Jason being a "bad boyfriend" and I have to agree that dating several women at the same time isn't exactly something that most women look for, NAOMI. And then there's Jason explaining in an interview that Ty really did not want him to go on the date. And it's clearly taken from the same interview they showed just a few minutes previous in which Jason talks about how excited he is to take Melissa on this date, which he obviously knew at the time wasn't going to happen, and I continue to marvel at how stupid the producers of this show think its audience is.

I'm not exactly sure why Jason couldn't have called LONG before 7:30, but he's half an hour late or so before he finally calls Melissa and explains about Ty not wanting him to go. And he is calling from a PHONE BOOTH or something, like do those even exist anymore? And he asks her if she wants to come over here instead, and she's all "absolutely!" I mean, what's she going to do, pitch a fit? Amusingly, she asks if she can put her stretchy pants on instead (Naomi and Molly, listening in, gape at each other), and Jason says she can do whatever she wants to do.

So she gets off the phone and at first she wasn't even going to explain to the other women what was going on, and they call her back to the dining table so she can say that she's not going out on the town at all because Ty doesn't want his daddy to go out. "That's real world," says Stephanie, explaining this happens with kids all the time. That's not what concerns the rest of the women though: it's that now Melissa's going to have a chance to meet Ty, who's such a big part of Jason's heart. It's nice that they think of Ty as, like, taking control of Asia during a game of Risk.

So Melissa shows up at Jason's house and there's a note on the door that says she can just come on in, and Jason's just upstairs putting Ty to bed and he'll be down as soon as he can. She hasn't actually changed out of her dress, by the way. In an interview, she talks about how it was "so cute" that there were some toys left out and a couple of half-eaten slices of pizza on the table, so she "played the role" and cleaned everything up and sat down to wait.

So upstairs, Jason is reading a story and NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO SAY HELLO TO HIS GUEST, who is pouring herself some wine while she waits, like HOW RUDE IS JASON, and he finally deigns to make an appearance, and he notes that she didn't change, and she says she wanted to "come right over" which I guess was necessary so that she could clean up after the two Mesnick slobs and then sit around waiting like an idiot. He gets all horndoggy over the dress she's wearing, and then she changes into her stretchy pants which turn out to be short shorts, and in an interview he horndogs it up some more by talking about how she always looks amazing.

So he tells Melissa that he's not ready for anyone to meet Ty just yet (but ready to display Ty to millions of television watchers), but maybe they could go up and peek in on him (and, you know, have Melissa melt and feel even more like she's "mommy" than she did after cleaning up a couple of dinky cars and pizza plates). Which is exactly what happens. "I'm not ready for any of the girls to meet Ty yet, but of course I want to show him off." Aww. Isn't it so sweet that Jason doesn't want Ty to meet just anyone? EXCEPT FOR THE CAMERAMAN WHO MIGHT BE THE REASON TY IS CRANKY AND RESTLESS IN THE FIRST PLACE? And then the two of them blather on about loving someone so much, and Jason wants more, and Melissa tells him she'd be thrilled to squeeze out some for him.

"I think we're all feeling a little stung right now": Molly. Naomi feels like she's right back to square one.

Back at the hotel, the other women, who probably should have brought a damn book or an iPod or some shit, are talking about nothing else but how tough it is on them knowing that Melissa's over at Jason's house right now.

They'd probably be even more worried if they could see just how well it's going. Jason asks about Melissa's family, i.e. who he'd meet on a hometown date, and Mel

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