Bachelor
Jason Breaks The Rules

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Sincerely Yours, Jason
issa talks about how she's the "black sheep" of the family, and the only evidence she has is that she's "more outgoing," which would make her, at worst, an off-white sheep. And of course she's perfectly fine with staying in tonight, she says, and thankfully they start making out because I couldn't stand to listen to another word.

So the next date card shows up for the first group date, and Naomi is still irked about not going on a one-on-one date. "It was kind of hard to swallow," says Naomi. Well, thank god she's not saying that after a one-on-one date. The card reads "Love is in the air," and it's a date for Stephanie, Molly and Jillian, which means Naomi's going to be getting a one-on-one date.

So the women show up on a ferry for the group date with Jason, and here's hoping this three hour tour leaves everybody shipwrecked on an island for a few years. Jason and the women admire the view and look at the houseboats, including the one from Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks's character lived.

Jason takes Stephanie aside so they can go up into the engine room. This also means we're going to hear Stephanie make more pronouncements like "I have been married before and know what it takes to make a marriage work" in her Southern drawl. In the engine room, the captain lets Stephanie take the wheel and she's all excited about piloting the boat, like she's eight years old. But it's all because of the company, you see. "Steering the boat was something I'd never done before, and having Jason right next to me was the icing on the cake." In an interview, Jason says, "Stephanie and I's [sic] relationship is different for a lot of reasons, first of all, because of our bond with our kids." Yeah, the relationship is a lot more boring, first of all, because that's all you two TALK about. Even here, Jason is all, "Hey, remember when Sophia visited? That was awesome," and it was, like, a WEEK ago. Meanwhile, out on the deck, Jillian and Molly are commiserating about how hard this is getting because everybody has feelings for Jason, and I have a hard time understanding what women think they're getting into when they go on this show. And if they weren't EXPECTING to have feelings, then why go on the show at all? You know, "famewhore" is a word used all too loosely these days, but ...

So you'd think someone who actually lives in Seattle would come up with more interesting cultural touchstones than Sleepless in Seattle and now Frasier, but here's Jason taking the women to a radio show because he needs a little "outside help" in whittling down the women from five to four. So he goes into a soundproof room, so the women can't hear him while he talks to the hosts, Jackie and Bender.

"I loved watching him talk and how confident he was," says Stephanie. Yeah, it's almost like he's spoken words before. How's his breathing? Is his blinking particularly praiseworthy too? Since the women can't hear what Jason's saying (a concept I heartily endorse, by the way) they amuse themselves by trying to read his lips. "He's saying, 'Molly, I love you,'" jokes Molly. Hee!

So the hosts are asking all the tough questions like, "What's been the best date so far?" Jason's awfully reluctant to get pinned down on a lot of the questions. "The most amazing date has been with Stephanie so far," he says, and goes on about how amazing it was to be there when Stephanie was reunited with her daughter (and again I'd like to point that it's rather inane for Jason to get "brownie points" for reuniting Stephanie with Sophia because it's Jason's fault they were apart in the first place). So then Jackie wants to know who the best kisser is, because Jason's kissed them all, not that she's judging him. Neither is Bender; "You gotta kick the tires before you buy the car, man." After much hemming and hawing, Jason picks Molly. Naomi and Melissa are listening to the radio broadcast at home instead of doing something fun, and Melissa's devastated, even though it's possible Jason might have been answering the question as it pertained to the three women there at the station with him. So they're actually going to blindfold Jason and make him identify the three women.

They bring the women into the broadcast room and blindfold Jason with a pink feather boa, like what is THAT about, and then they send up Jillian, Stephanie and Molly to swap some spit with Jason. "I just forced my tongue right into his mouth and touched his tonsils, so he'd know it was me," explains Jillian in an interview before cracking herself up and revealing that she's kidding. Stephanie completely gives her kiss away by kissing Jason's hand first and explaining to us that she hoped he'd recognize the "tenderness and softness." Molly grabs his face, because, as she tells us, she always grabs his face when she kisses him.

So after the blindfold is off, the hosts ask Jason to identify who kissed him first, second, etc., and Jason just points at them, like YOU ARE ON THE RADIO, YOU IDIOT, NO ONE CAN SEE YOU POINT, and of course he identifies them all easily, and then the hosts get a little racier and ask each woman what they're like in the bedroom. Molly identifies herself as a "lingerie girl," and Jillian comes across the least ridiculous by saying "I like fun when it comes to sex," and then there's Stephanie who swings for the seductive fences and starts going on: "Whenever I'm with a man, I just want to make sure he's completely taken care of. If that means I have to kiss every square inch of him..." and that was all I could take so I fast-forwarded the rest of the scene, which means I missed where the women explain that Jason's more of a man because he has a kid, whereas I can't recall any woman on this show before being bummed out that the bachelor didn't already have a maturity-conferring kid from another relationship.

So now Jason and the women are going to dinner together, in some trendy restaurant where none of them seem to actually have any idea just what it is that they're eating. Jason steals Jillian away for some one-on-one time, and it's one of those inane conversations that sound like someone recorded a bunch of daytime talk shows featuring marriage counselors, put them in a blender, and then just started spewing out the result. For Jillian, it's the stereotypical, "I never expected to have feelings for you but now I find myself having feelings for you" conversation that I have heard seemingly a billion times, give or take, and they talk about who Jason would meet on a hometown date. Then they start kissing.

Back at the hotel, Naomi's date card reads: "Don't look down, or you might... fall in love." And she has now completely shifted gears and thinks it's AWESOME that she didn't get the first one-on-one date, because now she'll have seen Jason last before the rose ceremony. Speaking of completely changing directions, Melissa is completely jealous, like Shannon-level jealous, of Naomi's date. Which is odd, because I seem to remember Melissa talking about how perfect it was just to hang out with Jason at home.

And then they go back to dinner, for a little while, anyway, and the women want to know how he could tell who was doing the kissing during that stupid radio test, and Jason just shrugs it off as different lips, different styles, different people, and the women treat him like he mapped the human genome for god's sake. And then Jason hauls Molly off to go walking over half of frigging Seattle, so at what point is this not actually a group date anymore? Like how rude is it to leave your dates and actually physically leave the restaurant? Like the other women (except for Stephanie), Molly gets asked about who Jason would meet in Michigan on a hometown date, and Molly talks about how important her family is to her and how after she dated some douchebag she now won't date someone her family doesn't approve of. That should be simple, if you'd just avoid douchebags. Then they start making out too, and Molly is thrilled that she's kissing Jason in Seattle. "I'm going to be doing it for the rest of my life!" she says. She actually says that she wonders why the other women are even bothering.

So it's time for Naomi's date. They meet by a river or canal or fjord or whatever, and then wind up going up in a floatplane. Which is cool, but not exactly "surreal," as per Naomi. Thankfully we are spared too much of the inane babblings of the two of them up in the plane, and go rather quickly through to the next part of the date, which is going to a sporting goods store that has a huge rock-climbing wall.

Back at the hotel, the women are crowded around the phone for a spearkphone conversation with Sophia. In an interview, Stephanie is reminding us that her being a mom with a kid the same age as Ty "speaks volumes," which I disagree with. She also thinks Naomi isn't as mature as the other women left, which might be true.

After a little horseplay and tonsil hockey on the climbing wall, Naomi and Jason settle in for some insipid conversation on a ledge. Naomi on her favorite thing about Seattle: "Here it seems like it's a mix of pretty, and the country life, and then, like with the trees, everything's so pretty." So many of my brain cells have died! She wants to know what he's looking for in a wife, and he starts talking about ... oh, I can't tell. Someone has to fit his life, which means they have to understand that he's in Seattle for Ty (by which I think he means he's not moving Ty away from his mother). I don't know. I tried to entertain myself by counting how many times Jason says "like" when he talks, but then my calculator caught fire.

So then after the rock climbing is a dinner by a huge bonfire of a fireplace. "Here's to, like, a completely awesome day," says Jason. Man, if you're looking for someone who talks like someone from a Sweet Valley High book, Jason's your guy. Jason wants to know more about Naomi's "family dynamics." Clearly he knows this is going to be an issue for her, and she talks about how her mom was ninetee

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