Bachelor
Jason Brings His Son to New Zealand

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Melissa, Will You Be My Fiancée for a Little While?
So: no phone call from the governor. I guess I have to go through with this. Dead man weecapping!

"It's the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history," says Harrison.

We're in New Zealand, and Jason's at the Bay of Islands, and he's about to see Ty, who is already at the beach with some woman, and then Jason comes running in carrying a football, and they tackle each other, and it's all very "spontaneous" and not at all staged.

So they play on the beach and Jason tells us about how he can't fully fall in love with someone until they meet Ty. He's hoping Ty will help him figure things out. I think Ty would pick whoever gives him the most candy.

And now here comes Melissa running down the road and leaping into Jason's arms and wrapping her legs around his waist, and he says he's been looking forward to her meeting Ty since she came over that night when Ty had his tantrum. One or both of them say "amazing."

So they're going to go golfing, but not before some boring chit-chat about whether this is a make-or-break day or an icing-on-the-cake day, and Jason tells Melissa to be herself. Anyway, since they're with Ty, the golfing is really just heading out on some greens and putting.

"She was able to build a bond with him really quickly, and I'm talking within minutes," Jason tells us, and I guess Melissa did that with her knock-knock joke ("Otch." "Otch who?" "Bless you, did you just sneeze?"), and then Jason sneaks off because he's got a surprise for them.

"We were OK by ourselves," Melissa tells us, like Ty's a boy in a bubble instead of just a normal kid. And the surprise is ... a sheep? Jason has a little lamb in his arms, and Melissa tells it a joke, and the lamb looks really unimpressed with the whole thing, and I'm pretty sure it's thinking, "God, just eat me already. If I hear the word 'amazing' one more time I'm going to shit all over Jason's shirt."

So it's nap time for Ty, and now Melissa is going to meet Jason's parents. "I think they will all be overly protective," Jason says, because he's been divorced once and got stomped by DeAnna last season.

Jason's dad asks Melissa what her impressions of Ty were, and Melissa says she was "terrified" to meet him, and I think she's trying to make it seem like she's aware of how serious it is to become a stepmom, but Jesus. "Terrified"?

Jason's brother, Larry, tells us that he thinks the family held back asking more questions of DeAnna, so this time around they want to make sure they get all their questions answered. Chief among them, I imagine, is asking Jason, "Why the hell are you doing this show again?"

Jason talks about how he didn't get to meet Melissa's parents. Melissa says her dad told her meeting their potential future son-in-law is a private, sacred thing. And I think it's awfully shitty of Melissa, Jason and this show for somehow turning "Melissa's parents don't want a bunch of fucking television cameras in their faces when they meet their potential son-in-law" into "they wouldn't meet Jason." Did he offer to come by on his own?

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