Bachelor
Jason Brings His Son to New Zealand

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Melissa, Will You Be My Fiancée for a Little While?

So then some woman named Emily shows up to show him some rings. Try not to fall in love with her too, guy. While she shows him a bunch of rings, he says he was trying to figure out which ring represents "them."

So: time to make the biggest decision of his life. "I am completely torn between two women," he says. We see the women getting ready. Molly is like "oxygen," he tells us: "You can't get enough of it." Actually, you can. Moron. And Melissa has the biggest heart of all. We see him close the ring box. "I've made my decision. I know what I'm going to do."

Melissa does her hair and tells us she does believe in fate. Molly gets her dress ready and says in a perfect world, he'd be telling her that he loved her. In an interview, Jason tells us that being in love with two women "sucks." Well, for one thing, we wind up with television shows like this. He looks like he's about to start crying. But by this point, I've come to think he's a big faker. There he is getting Ty ready as well. He puts on his suit jacket. I'd be listening to what he's saying, but I'm just substituting classic scenes from my favorite movies in my head. It's much better this way. My way has a Hanson brother saying, "I'm trying to listen to the fucking song!"

Molly puts on her blue-purple dress, and Melissa puts on her cream dress, and they head out to the limos so they can ride out to either Proposal Point or Execution Escarpment. Melissa calls it scary and says she's not ready to lose him.

And then there's Jason walking out to his spot and saying that after everything he's been through, it was all worth it, and says something about this being a reward that he and Ty need.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for: the final credits! No, wait. There's more! Jason stands at Proposal Point, looking like he's passing a kidney stone. The first limo arrives, and Harrison greets ... Molly. First runner-up! As Chris leads her halfway down the boardwalk, she says words like "butterflies" and "fairytale". She thinks this is going to be an amazing moment.

Jason greets her. "Before you say anything, I want you to know this is the most amazing journey I've ever been on," she says. He tells her that every time she looks at him "with those eyes," she's amazing, "absolutely stunning and amazing." He says he doesn't know how he could ever let her go. And she knows. You can tell she knows. "But I have to," he says. That's it, Jason. Let your voice break as you tell her you wish you had some good reasons, other than that you're in love with someone else. But aren't you also in love with her? "So sorry," he says. Puss. She shakes her head slightly and says she doesn't understand. "I think you've made a mistake. A big one." He tells her he'll walk her out. She glares at the camera.

"I just don't get it," she whispers to him, and as they get back to the house, she tells him he's making a mistake, and that he's going to get hurt again, because Melissa's going to wake up and realize this wasn't the life she wanted. "All I can say is I think you're wrong," he says. "I hope I am," she says, because he deserves someone really great.

He walks her through the house, back to the limo, weirdly STARING at her the whole time. "Everything was real," he says. Listen, asshole: don't try to make sure that she still likes you. You're dumping her. Let her hate you a little. Don't try to keep her thinking that you're a nice, sensitive guy.

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