And here it is now, however many months later, and Jason tells us that it was the right decision because they didn't have "that connection," and I have burned all the tapes that I recorded last season's episode on, but I'm fairly certain Jason and DeAnna both said a million times that they had a connection, and I can't believe that I'm doing this show again. I mean, I made a New Year's resolution to not do anything that makes the world a worse place, and I think drawing any kind of attention to this show is seriously bad karma. And now Jason is ready to be in love again, because it's the best feeling in the world (provided you don't fall in love with a conniving devil-beast like DeAnna).
So in case you don't already watch this show (which means you don't a) hate life; b) get paid to watch it; c) enjoy watching terrible television; or d) have a tragically fucked-up opinion of romance), meet Jason! He lives in Seattle, he loves his life, apparently because he lives in a place where people throw fish at each other. That's as good a reason as any. Also, Jason has an adorable three-year-old boy, so ladies prepare yourself for The Bachelor: 2036.
Jason spends a hundred years talking about how amazing things are with him and Ty, which is kind of an odd way to put it. Oh, and no offence, Ty, but there's a huge hole in our family. So you don't mind if I air our family's marital troubles on national television? As long as I stare out at the ocean all pensive and sad? And how about if I go shirtless for my workout for the television cameras? And how about if I try to find love among twenty-five more head cases instead of just being content to be a good-looking guy with a good job? Doesn't that work? I'm not as good-looking as Jason and I'm happily married. How hard can it be?
So Jason jets off to L.A., which he thinks is the perfect place to find someone, for some reason, and he's thrilled because he's in the driver's seat (figuratively, and, on this sun-dappled freeway, literally). And Ty's along for the ride, because he can't stand to be without him. Since he didn't have Ty along last time, I'm guessing the real reason is Ty makes Jason seem like not such an android.
Also along is Jason's brother, Larry, to look after Ty. "He's the perfect person to come along here, because he's like a second dad to Ty." Wow, it's almost like he's an uncle. Oh, and then there's this: "Ty's not going to be around for the whole thing, but he's definitely going to be around to help me start it." Translation: when it gets time to have some sex, Ty's flying back home.
Oh, god, is it too late to back out on this show? Jason's going on about his great life again, and now he's walking shirtless, and now he's running shirtless, and now he's doing pushups shirtless outside for some reason. "Oh, camera crew, I didn't see you there." He says he knows he's going to find love among the twenty-five attention-starved dingbats selected by reality show producers. He just KNOWS IT. He says he's let two women into his life. The first one he doesn't regret, because Ty was the result. The second one? "Well, we all saw that." And we would all give just about anything to unsee it. "Now that I'm the bachelor? The third time's the charm."
So then we get the montage of crazy scenes that await us. Women yelling at each other, making out with Jason. I wonder what kind of whatever this season is the most of! "It's the most romantic season ever!" we're informed by Chris Harrison.
After the commercial break, Chris himself strolls out to tell us that when DeAnna rejected Jason, women all over the world and presumably in other galaxies were shocked, but also thrilled, because it meant that Jason was still available. Oh, I see we're still perpetuating the idea that all the women who apply to be on this show wouldn't have done it if it were a different bachelor, hey?
So Jason's on his way, we're told, but first let's meet the women he's going to be selecting from.
There's someone jumping up and down on a bed, telling us she's really excited to be meeting Jason tonight, but it looks like she's more at Ty's level. Then there's someone practicing her "moves," and there's someone practising her golf swing and describing herself as a "typical Midwestern girl." Here's a thought: if you want to stand out? Don't describe yourself as typical. "Hole in one," she says after she takes her swing, and she may have been talking about her head.
And here's someone on a treadmill who's a dental hygienist who calls herself a "tooth Nazi," and then she laughs really loudly. Thanks for showing her flossing, by the way. It's really romantic the way she sends flecks of food shooting out from her teeth. And there's a woman who brought thirty-two pairs of shoes, and she hopes Jason likes her favorite dress. And there's someone doing some crunches, because she needs to be really fit for tonight. Well, those last few crunches ought to do it!
And now here's someone from Peace River! Which is a stone's throw away, relatively speaking, from my hometown of Grande Prairie! Good god! It's Jillian, described as an interior designer, but she describes herself as a restaurant designer, which is apparently what she's doing in Peace River, so maybe they've got more than just the one diner now. And she's actually from Vancouver. "I work hard and I play hard," she says. Just once, I'd enjoy hearing someone say, "I work hard, but I kind of dog it on the playing." She says she's a "polished hick," and we see her drinking beer at a campout, and then walking along the harbour, which is definitely not in landlocked Peace River but is in Vancouver. And now here's Stacia, the first yummy mummy, who is a "charity accountant" from Orem, Utah, who says being a mom is the best job in the world. Oh, that's just one of those things you say. Everyone knows hammock tester is the best job in the world. She says dating as a single mom is hard, and she was just going to give up, but then she saw Jason was going to be the bachelor. Yeah, dating is hard, but applying to get on a reality show? Piece of cake! I can see why you went for it. She says her son Tristan is "all about" her dating. Sure he is. What is he, four? The only way Tristan's all about anything other than cars and how hilarious it is when people fart, is if his mom never shuts up about how hard it is to date. Adorably, he says his mom is the coolest mom.
Here's Dominque, in medical sales, from Mt. Carmel, Penn., and she is actually, like, cavorting in a park. It used to be a booming coal region, but is now kind of depressed. Yeah, I'm kind of a depressed too. She strolls down the sidewalk of what she sarcastically says is the booming metropolis she moved to, North Coverland, and she slags off the dating scene there, and indicates the movie theatre which is showing, incongruously enough, The House Bunny and Vicky Christina Barcelona. She says we'd be surprised how many guys can't afford the $3.50 matinee there. To be fair, once they've spent all their money on surgery for a special implant to hear her squeaky voice, they don't have a lot of money left over. "I've dated too many duds here, I'm ready to meet my stud, Jason," she says, after showing us the town's sewage treatment plant, which spoils romantic walks in the park.
Then there's Melissa, a sales representative from Dallas, who's very outgoing and had a two-year stint with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. People think that Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders have their pick of all the men, but clear