Bachelor

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To Live and Snore In L.A.
itch-slappin' Naomi is the first one to step out. "How are you?" asks Jason. "I'm amazing," is the answer. That's one word for it. He says he was also the first person out of the second limo, so now she thinks they're going to get along fabulously.

Megan the lacrosse coach is next, wearing green. She seems nervous and says she's from Pittsburgh and Virginia Beach. Two places at once? She says she and her son's father split up a while ago, so she left Virginia. Jason asks how old her son is. "Fourteen months," she says. So it wasn't that long ago. She says she wasn't going to bring it up right away. He tells her not to worry about it and sends her on inside.

Stacia the "charity accountant" is next and gives a little squeal as she comes up, and calls him a gorgeous man. Jackie the wedding co-ordinator we've also already met is next, and she ALSO calls him gorgeous.

Maybe because that's suddenly the word of the day, he then calls Lisa, who is in public relations in Boise, Idaho, gorgeous as well. She says she's "totally nervous" which seems obvious when she suggests he try Idaho potatoes. He sends her inside before she can rattle off Idaho's other state exports.

A new limo, new squealing, someone else calls Jason gorgeous. Stephanie from Alabama is the first one out, and she tells him she's excited not just because it's any bachelor but because it's him, and she looks forward to getting to know him better. At least Stephanie carries herself with some grace and doesn't come off like a sorority girl at an off-campus kegger.

Then there's "Treasure," -- yes, really -- a "nurse practitioner," whatever that is, from Salt Like City. Jason does a bit of a verbal double-take on the name, and she says it's not her "stage name," which raises the question: "So what IS your stage name?"

Next up: Raquel, a medical student from Brazil (originally, presumably), giving us a little South American flava. He says he speaks a little bit of Spanish, but it's been a long time, which the two of them find hilarious for some reason.

And now we meet Shelby, 23, an account executive from Stockton, Calif., who says she's very excited to meet him. She says Stockton is "really not that great of a place," so if she ever makes it to the hometown date portion, I hope she enjoys avoiding the lynch mob.

Nikki, the annoying pageant queen, is actually quite a stunner in a sparkly black dress. All is forgiven, Nikki! She wins bonus points, I imagine (aside from being a knockout), for actually asking about Ty. Smart move, I say. I could be crazy, but he seems to linger a little watching her leave.

Chris Harrison comes out now to ask his homeboy "Jase" what he thinks of the first fifteen. "They are all amazing." He says he's speechless, which is hard to make him. Really? Jason never seems to shut up. Chris also helps Jason out with the math, by telling him that there are ten more women just waiting to pretend they've been waiting all their lives to meet him.

After the commercial break, Chris asks Jason the EXACT SAME QUESTION, and Jason gives an equally boring answer.

Molly the department store buyer in a blue dress is the first one out of the next limo, and she gets the strummed acoustic "could this be love?" musical intro instead of the funky "watch out for this one!" drum beat. She says she's a golfer too, and asks to see his swing. He demurs, since he's wearing a suit. Nice try, though, Molly.

Erica, 25, an account executive from Monroe, Conn., is up next. She tells him he looks very handsome and then asks him to guess where she just came from. Which could be literally ANYWHERE, so he gamely guesses "New York?" and says she was in Kirkland, where she caught a flying fish, and she got it on video. Fortunately, it's not me standing up there, so Jason doesn't say, "So THAT'S what I smell." That's why I'm not the bachelor. Well, that's not the ONLY reason.

Then there's Nicole, a menswear buyer from Calgary. Another Albertan? What is with this show? She calls herself Nicki, and says she watched last season and remembered Ty saying that his favorite colour is orange, so that's why she wore an orange dress. Yeah, great. You want to put on a tight dress and have the object of your affections start thinking about his son.

Next up is the flaky woman from Los Angeles who doesn't realize she's a flake. She's originally from Michigan, but is a jewelry designer in Los Angeles. They have zero spark.

Now there's Jillian, the restaurant designer from Vancouver by way of Peace River, who says it's so good to finally meet him. (Side note: is it telling that I keep accidentally typing "meat him"?) She says when they get inside, she needs to know what his favorite hot dog topping is, because she's got a theory about people based on what they like to put on their hot dogs, so she orders him to come find her. I have a theory that says she goes home early.

Last limo. Dominique gets out. I hope she giggles a lot less when she's doing all her "medical sales." She seems sweet at least. Then there's Emily, who's in Seattle, in "casino marketing." Or maybe that's "Casino marketing," but considering that movie came out thirteen years ago, there's probably not much call for it anymore. She calls herself the biggest Seahawks fan in Washington state.

Julie is a first-grade teacher from Columbus, who has seventeen students who are probably missing her right now. Julie's foxy. Even I'm missing her as my first-grade teacher.

Ann is a flight attendant from Phoenix. Since Jason likes to travel, that works to his benefit, she tells him. Shannon, the dental hygienist from Marshall, Mo., gets out wearing fake fucked-up front teeth. Jason applauds, and then she takes them out and laughs uproariously at herself. "I try to be funny!" she tells him. Careful, funny girl. That's a hard line to walk. She tells him she's a dental hygienist, and then giggles that she's so happy to meet him.

So that's twenty-five. Jason calls them "incredible." Chris asks if his wife is in that room. Jason's already MARRIED? Sh -- oh. Jason says it's possible, and he wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

So get ready for the petty insults and drinking, and what was touted as the "most awkward moment in bachelor history" is now being promised as "the most shocking twist in bachelor history" is coming up. Apparently the bachelorettes themselves are going to vote one of their own off.

Before Jason ventures into the fray, Chris reminds him about the first impression rose, which he's supposed to give to the person who impressed him the most. Jason knows how it works. Jason goes inside, where the women are all still yammering on about him. One jokes (I hope it's a joke) that maybe she should go get the wedding dress she brought.

They cheer and lift their glasses when he comes in. "This is an insane evening," he tells them, and thanks them all for being here. He raises his glass and they all toast the night. "I'm so glad that DeAnna did not choose Jason. Jason's really hot," says Molly in an interview while we watch Jason circulate, the women intently staring at him. In the room, Naomi toasts DeAnna, to Jason's surprise, because if it weren't for her, they wouldn't be there. Another reason to dislike DeAnna! In an interview, Naomi says she's obsessed with Jason: "I think he's the hottest thing ever. I want him all over my body," she says all fake-sultry, before breaking up laughing.

Jason, sitting in a group of women who think everything he says is hilarious, asks them if they know about Ty. BECAUSE HARDLY ANY OF YOU ASKED ABOUT HIM. "I want to be a mom sooo bad!" squeals Shannon the dental hygienist in an interview, the same way a kid might squeal about wanting a puppy.

In an interview, Jason is for some reason surprised that all the women seem to think that him being a single father is the greatest thing ever. They all know how important Ty is to him, he says. "I want to get to know all these women as much as I can," he says.

Jason goes and sits down with Shannon the dental hygienist, who

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