Bachelor
Leaving Normal

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The Witless Bride

Chris feels the need to come back out and calm everybody down after this terribly shocking, unheard-of development. Rejecting Aaron! Will we ever recover? Taking the opportunity to get the last word in, Aaron says, "[Anindita and Frances] have proven that I made the right decision so far." See, he was going to reject them first, but they interrupted him. You just couldn't let it go, dipwad. At least he gets a small taste of what it's like to be in the women's shoes. And it tasted bitter. As bitter as Crazy Christi's heart.

Time for the roses. The first rose goes to Helene. Her plan totally worked. Kyla is second. Kyla's hair probably weighs more than her actual head. Angela is third. Christi and Brunette Heather look concerned. Shannon is fourth. Gwen and her forehead are fifth. Brooke is sixth. Brunette Heather is seventh. Hayley is eighth. The ninth rose goes to Blonde Heather. Chris has to come out to tell us that there's only one rose left. Christi looks like she's imagining blowing up the house like Kimberly on Melrose Place. But wait! She's Aaron's last choice! A breakdown averted. Sometimes there are happy endings. Don't you feel better knowing that Christi still has her one shot at happiness? Left out in the cold are Erin, Dana, and mackmistress Suzanne. All of whom are brunettes. Of the ten remaining bachelorettes, only Brunette Heather is truly non-blonde. Hence her name. Helene and Hayley both have light brown hair, but they touch it up with blonde streaks, so I'm counting them as blondes. They want to be blonde, but they're not willing to go all the way. So, nine Barbies plus Heather. Maybe Aaron's going to go back to Missouri and start work on that "master race."

Time for the closing comments. Crazy Christi tells us that she spent the whole ceremony worried that Aaron was not going to say her name, and it was the "worst feeling in the world." The captioning insists that she's twenty-three. It's either a lie, or all that crying that Crazy Christi does at the drop of an insult must have really physically aged her. Aaron says that he kept Christi around to "give her a second chance. Plus, have you seen the way she throws herself at me and worships the ground I walk on? Did Dana do that? Hell no. And where did it get her? Out the damned door." Or maybe he just said that first part. Christi, ever the gracious winner, tells us that she really hoped Suzanne wouldn't get a rose. And now she can be happy. She won! She beat Suzanne! Suzanne will never find love! Suzanne is the devil and whispers unpatriotic comments about President Bush into Christi's ear while she's sleeping! Suzanne wears perfume made out of Agent Orange to give all the other girls cancer! Except for Suzanne, because she's immune! Because she's the devil! In her own interview, Suzanne snarks back without actually saying Christi's name by pointing out that she wants to have respect for herself, and that Aaron is just one guy. Aaron says he thought Suzanne was hot, but didn't think she was in it for the "right reasons." There are right reasons to be on this show? Dana and Erin are rather complacent about their rejections. They liked Aaron, but obviously he didn't think either or them was the one for him. Anindita says that she had to leave because Aaron made the other women's hearts go "pitter-patter," but not hers. But what about that whole arranged marriage thing she was defending last episode? Ah well. It wasn't a very credible comparison to begin with. Frances simply says that she felt at that moment that she should go. I think she discovered that the likelihood of Aaron ever being able to dance smoothly is very, very slim.

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