Leaving Normal

Episode Report Card
Shack: B+ | Grade It Now!
The Witless Bride

Back at the Malibu Dream House, seven bachelorettes have to explain to us that it's Angela's birthday. The remaining bachelorettes are all hanging around by the pool wearing bikinis. Boobies! Hey, fanboys, you don't need to switch to Birds of Prey to see lithe young women in very little clothing. We've got you covered. Please don't go! We need you! We don't know what we're doing! Help us! Do you need a job? Do you want to run our network? Suddenly, the phone rings. Suzanne rushes over to answer it. Christi, I believe, makes a snarky comment about how Suzanne just had to answer the phone because Suzanne is evil and everything she does has an agenda. She answered that phone maliciously! It's Aaron, who has been informed of Angela's birthday by a producer and just called to give his best wishes. Yay!

The track. It's all boring, so I'm really sort of glad I don't have to watch it all again. They watch horses. They cheer. The women swoon at Aaron. Frances and Dana are barely there. There's a little contest. The women all choose a horse to place a bet on. The one who chooses the winning horse gets a special prize. They bet. We watch them bet. They explain to us several times that the woman who picks the winning horse gets a special prize. Gwen picks a horse called either "Loose Expectations" or "Lose Expectations." I clearly remember everybody calling the horse the former, but the captioning said the latter. See, I remember these things because I'm an editor and that stuff bugs me. Either one seems appropriate, in any event. Since Gwen's horse is the only one they mention, it comes as no surprise when it wins. The prize: a hot-air balloon trip with Aaron while the other women hang out elsewhere, possibly having a lesbian orgy. Hey, I'm worried about losing the fanboy readers, too. Anything to get those numbers up. Boobies!

Back at the Malibu Dream House, the next gift box has arrived, with wine glasses and a note that the next group of five gets to hang out with Aaron in Napa Valley and booze it up. The five for this date are Christi, Suzanne, Anindita, Angela, and Erin. Christi declares that a trip to Napa Valley is her dream date. I think she would have said that even if the card declared that she'd be sailing down the River Styx on a raft made from dried rat corpses and drinking the blood of her grandparents. Suzanne declares that it's also her dream date. In an interview, Christi gives us all the hairy eyeball and insists that Suzanne didn't really mean what she said. Man, one mildly bitchy comment from Suzanne and Christi's on the warpath. Not that Suzanne gets much sympathy from me. Posters have commented that Suzanne looks like a man. Actually, I think she looks like Amanda Peet, who looks like a man, but Suzanne herself doesn't appear that masculine to me. Oh, and props to the soulless folks who produce the show and arranged this date for maximum conflict. Two women who hate each other, and alcohol. Let the good times roll!

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