Bachelor
Leaving Normal

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The Witless Bride

Commercials. I fully expect that when I tape The Bachelor next week, I'll come home to find that video from The Ring instead. It would still be less frightening.

We return to see Aaron showing up at the house for the third group date. The five remaining bachelorettes are going with Aaron to Lake Powell in Arizona. They're in California, but have to go to the driest state in the union to find a decent swimmin' hole? Aaron says exactly the same thing he said after the first round of dates, about being overwhelmed. I think it might actually be the same clip. They drove all the way to Arizona, for some reason, in a really ugly limo. They get there and load onto a moderate-sized boat. The women fight to rub sunblock all over Aaron. He's beefy, but not exactly built, so he's got man-boobs. He narrates that he's the envy of every man in the world. Well, no, and if I understand the typical heterosexual man, his dream would be of twenty-five beautiful women who all fight to have sex with him, and would then leave when they're done (having sex, not fighting with each other). He doesn't fantasize about twenty-five women who desperately want to marry him. And also, the fighting would be mud wrestling.

So the first event for this date is for Aaron and the women to take turns clinging to giant inner tubes as they're dragged along behind a speedboat. Sort of like waterskiing for paraplegics. (That ought to get me an angry email or two.) In a tone of voice somebody might use for the first time they see a Broadway show, Brooke tells the camera that she's never done anything like this before. You're just clinging to a tube that's going real fast. It's not that big a deal. There are two tubes, so Brooke and Aaron ride side-by-side. Brooke narrates that she and Aaron had a "contest" to see who could stay on the longest. Aaron totally flips himself on purpose so that Brooke wins. The other women on the boat shout, "We love you, Aaron!"

Then four of the women jet-ski while Aaron hangs out with Brunette Heather on the boat. They're both very relaxed and "stress-free," because unlike all the other women, Heather doesn't have a sunburn already and isn't worried that this trip is going to give her skin cancer. Aaron says that this is the first stress-free date he's been on. Heather thinks that it's a compliment, but to me it looks like he's totally apathetic about this group of women. He doesn't even try to kiss Heather. He mentions that he heard some of the women are glad to be out of the house and talks about all the "drama." See, when he's still thinking about the last date, that's not a good sign. Heather says that she can deal with conflict, but doesn't go out of her way to cause it.

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