Bachelor
Lee-Ann Freaks Out

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Divas Live

Misty -- suddenly an agent of change and action and LOOK AT ME BEFORE I AM GONE -- hangs over the balcony and yells down into the living room, "We should help Lee-Ann. She has an hour." Unless that sentence has the words "to live" somewhere at the end of it, you're not getting no help from no one, no how. Trust me on this. In a confessional, Meredith fills in, "We all sat there and didn't move. I mean, she was being such a brat about the whole thing. Why would I want to help her?" ["Well, and how much goddamn 'help' does she need? How long does it take her to get dressed on a normal day, by herself, without a phalanx of attendants and ladies-in-waiting?" -- Wing Chun] Cut to Lee-Ann explaining that the other girls are "jealous," and we get a sneak peak of her outfit via a confessional that takes place on the Queen Mary later that evening. Decked out in a blue evening gown, a Cruella De Vil shawl, and the necklace that sunk the Titanic when the old lady (Nana?) dropped it on the deck or something (the facts are hazy, because the movie came out a very long time ago), she rants on for our continued, slow-head-shaking pleasure, "Does it look like I care? Did you see me crying when we ranked each other? Hell, no. I am not here to be the bridesmaid at their wedding. I am here to be with Bob." And to get those puppies. And to tell Jack Dawson just once more how much you love him. And to hear Queen Mary sing her rendition of "Hell is for Children," which will change your goddamn life.

Hitler's Mercedes pulls up in front of the house, and a knock on the door reveals Bob, decked out for a date with his least compatible bachelorette, and then to a quickie meet-and-greet at Nana's still-pending funeral (a week later, and still no one's found ten minutes to give this woman her final rest). He knocks on the front door, and Lee-Ann pulls it open, already compensating for the this-must-mean- he-hates-me insecurity that must be associated with the circumstances surrounding this date, and blurts out a non-introductory "I'm so excited" by way of introduction. A peck of greeting ensues, the other girls sitting in various forms of repose, ignoring, ignoring, ignoring. And I know they hate her and think this is a bad idea and all, but doesn't it seem like, just for a second, they might be cooling on Bob just a little? I don't know. Maybe it's me. But I feel like they're getting with the program here. Misty -- so concerned so recently with Lee-Ann's inability to get ready in an expedient fashion -- explains in confessional, "The reality of it is that nobody wants to see her get to know Bob any better, and so we're all kind of, y'know, upset about it and a little bit jealous." Lee-Ann walks out the door ahead of Bob, offering a quiet but audible "Don't wait up." Bob follows behind her, Medusa-esque locks blazing. I hope she brought her big round brush with her. One swipe through his hair would reduce that thing to kindling.

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