Bachelor
Lee-Ann Freaks Out

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Hitler's Mercedes coasts along the Autobahn, ending its journey in what the subtitle tells us is Long Beach. Now, I've been in Long Beach many times, and the one defining characteristic I often remember of said BEACH is the undeniable presence of water. But here, any signs of the coast are so taken up with the presence of a big-ass boat that the water displacement must have driven the shore a million miles inland, and when that boat comes back it's going to be docking in a place the subtitle tells us is "Coastal Topeka." Anyway, it's really big. And it has the words "Queen Mary" written across the side. And you could fit fifty of Hilter's Mercedes on it. Or approximately four of those giant brushes.

In a confessional, Lee-Ann tells us, "I've got the dress, I have a million dollars worth of jewelry on me, I have the prince, and I am feeling like Cinderella at the ball." Our first fully realized fairy-tale analogy of the season, right? Leave it to the second-grade teacher. A cut later we're on the boat, Bob expressing awe at something called "the view" (of downtown Long Beach, home of a small airport and probably a Gene Autry museum, but not that much in the way of a skyline). He anticipates that this date will be "tough to beat," and Lee-Ann jokes that that's because he's with her. Yeah, anyway. He meant the boat.

Dinner. During a sundown (but what will come of the view?!) on The Boat That Ate The Ottoman That Ate The Brush, Bob hazards, "I'm kind of surprised, actually, that your friends voted you my least compatible." Why must he be so deliberately obtuse as to refer to the rest of the women as her "friends"? He's done this a number of times now, and we know he knows that they're not Lee-Ann's friends at all. He can toe the line on this "when the guys were in the house, we were all best friends because we're guys and that's what guys do" PR shtick all he wants, but no matter how much he pretends now that men are from Mars and women are from Ottoman, the guys' house during The Bachelorette had a bit of tension too. So stop calling them Lee-Ann's friends. And shut up. Anyway, Lee-Ann responds to his surprise with a faltering "You and me both," and he cops to being "freaked out a bit." In short order, we're taken through the Newlywed Game confessional from last week, the ladies holding up their cards and proclaiming Lee-Ann to be Bob's least compatible: Kelly Jo, Meredith, Brooke, Mary, and a sobbing -- SOBBING -- Antoinette. Lee-Ann tells us she thinks that people in the house think she's "very compatible" with Bob, and, to Bob: "They were trying to be mean 'cause you didn't want me to get one of the top two votes." For some reason Bob is hell-bent on keeping domestic relations strong in a house his very personage is responsible for tearing apart, and he insists, "I think that everyone is still your friend." Lee-Ann is deadpan in her reply: "No. They're really not." Heh. "But, even, regardless..." he hems. She says nothing. "I'm attracted to you, so it doesn't bother me," adds Bob. Why not just lay it all out and say you're just trying to get some free love on the Freelove Freeway and kiss her already? You're going to anyway, even if the date goes badly, or she tells you she doesn't like you, or she spits in your face, or she sprouts a tail, or she eats a hundred babies. Bob? You are not discerning. "The fact that I get to hang out with you alone is the most important part," Bob concludes. Yeah, well, that's not true, either.

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