Bachelor
Lee-Ann Freaks Out

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Divas Live

Nine total seasons of Little House cram themselves into one twee little date box, which Misty carries into the house in all of its rough-hewn, gingham-y, tableclothed beauty. While scientists and mathgicians of well-known repute sit in cramped inventing rooms wondering aloud, "If only 'process of elimination' had been invented by the time this episode aired, we could have just said 'this date is for the rest of y'all,' rather than naming each of the girls on the final group date one by one, and this episode would have been six minutes long," the final Date Box reveals, "Estella, Karin, Jenny, Antoinette, and Brooke, let's make a big splash!" The open the basket to reveal...bathing suits! Girls in bikinis! Finally!

Take it, Karin: "It's swimsuits, something we do 24/7 while we're at the house. But on top of that, we get five girls. The message I feel we're being sent is, 'You're going home after the next Rose Ceremony.'" Well, the message may not be quite so terminal as all that, but I'll agree that the message ain't "The contents of this box are worth a million dollars," that's for sure. Jenny -- slurring through her usual speech about "fairness" -- somehow makes all of this into one word when said out loud: "To me, it's not fair. I don't think Bob is seeing the Lee-Ann we're all seeing." Well, Jenny, dear, that's because you're seeing a Lee-Ann obscured by your periphery-blocking visor, aren't you?

Bob's got his blinders -- and his visor -- off. He can see the real Lee-Ann, and she's...talking to Bob about Bob. At his suggestion: "I hate to put you on the spot, but...what is it you like about me?" Lee-Ann cites his personality, his dimples, and his curls as reasons he's so super-duper. Bob -- throwing out some line and fishing for compliments over the side of the boat -- continues, "So if I'm bald and I have no dimples left, we're still a-ight, then?" She deadpans a not-entirely-unendearing, "No, I'm leaving you." He cackles in a way that causes despair in unborn babies. Lee-Ann can barely stop herself from adding, "And speaking of that laugh, now it's time for the 'con' list, right?"

Strummy acoustic guitar means love! Bob takes Lee-Ann to the back of the boat (just as the bicycle shop owner did to Arnold and DUDLEY, and I appreciate the efforts of those of you who took the time to correct that) as a big-ass fireworks display starts. For a second, Lee-Ann looks at them like she has no idea what's going on, but she rallies with a strained "Are you kidding me?" In a confessional that looks like it took place before the gunpowder even faded from the sky, Lee-Ann tells us that she "can't put into words how I felt about having my own personal fireworks show with Bob's arms around me. 'Orgasmic' is how to describe the moment." And since her powers of vocabulary are so limited, she seems inadvertently to illustrate her feelings through the powerful medium of hand shadow puppetry. Her left hand lifts into the frame and just starts bobbing up and down, seemingly independent of the rest of her body. From the looks of it, she thinks this night with Bob was "dog dog dog, dragon, baby head, biting dog." Is there any better way to describe that singular feeling of falling in love?

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