Bachelor
Life (x4)

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I Don't Give a Damn 'Bout the Whole State of Michigan

We're in an empty Elks Lodge or Masonic Center of some kind, as Andy and Tina drink hot cocoa and plan on not ever getting married. Tina reassures Andy, "It's not that I'm playing hard-to-get, so don't think that I'm doing that. It's just that I think I am hard-to-get and that I don't fall for just anyone." Andy asks her, "Anything you're scared about?" Why must he insist on turning every interpersonal interaction he has with a female into this boringly protracted game of Twenty Questions? And how does he succeed in somehow being animal, vegetable, and mineral, all at the same time? And yes, Tina's scared of something. Clowns and snakes. But who in their right minds wouldn't be? Misguided to the point of thinking she can both respect herself in the morning and do so while waking up on that morning as Mrs. Firestone, Tina tells us via interview, "I think Andrew did respect the fact that I haven't kissed him and that I don't just hand out kisses to anyone." Andrew segues us right into nighttime (theoretically speaking only, considering that the arc of the earth means the sun is next set to rise at exactly 6:32 AM on the first day of July...and then, it's Farmin' Season!) with the oddly phrased "If Tina is putting up an act, it will be difficult to keep that up in front of her family." An act? What act? That she's an international superspy? Or that she's not so fabulous after all? Or, as my friend Potes posits, that she's hiding her secret alter ego "Drag Queen-a" from a world on the brink of figuring out she's a man? Heh. Drag Queen-a. Good one, Potes.

North, Miss Tessmacher! North! We're on the ATV (see how hip I've gotten with the lingo? See how much hipper I'd be if I were somehow able to stop using the word "hip" in my writing?), traveling across the frozen glacier that is the northern third of our great nation. We pull up in front of a delightful colonial with a deck and a picket fence and, probably, during the summertime, a pitcher of lemonade dripping with condensation while the parents sit on porch swings and chat about days gone by and the kids loll maybe on a hammock or out by the crick while that Country Time guy narrates everything anybody does. Inside, we meet Tina's mother, father, and her two sisters. I think I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Tina's dad bears a striking resemblance to Chuck Norris, if I could remember what Chuck Norris looks like. I think he looks a little like Tina's dad. How's that for a physical description? Tina's two sisters look like Tina, and Tina's mom looks like Tina in twenty years. So, basically, she looks like Tina with no makeup on, while she herself has makeup on. Got it? Chuck shakes Andy's hand and asks, "How's the weather out there?" which would have been like asking, "Andy, you ever heard of money?" in the "foregone conclusion" realm of introductory inquisitions. I guess Andy thinks the definition of the word "rhetorical" is "of or pertaining to that guy in Gone with the Wind," because he never could have imagined that he didn't need to supply an answer, blabbering, "It's a little colder than California right now." The "right now," of course, indicating a time period between the beginning of humankind until continental drift switches the location of the balmy desert southwest and the uninhabitable American tundra.

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Bachelor

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