Bachelor
Life (x4)

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I Don't Give a Damn 'Bout the Whole State of Michigan

In the limo on their way to the house, Christina again waaaay overestimates her place in the hierarchy with a horribly off-base question, proving that "sequitur" was the only thing left off the menu back the bakery. And here it ends: "You said you've been in love before, right...Do you think you're feeling that for me?" Andy waffles (smeared with a delectable sardine-based syrup, I'm guessing) monumentally, spitting out something about a "possibility" or "moving in that direction" or something, and Christina tells us that she's sure Andrew "appreciated" her direct questioning. Andy, meanwhile, interviews that he wishes their conversation could be a little less "intense." Totally. Wouldn't want to just jump into a nationally televised engagement without a little idle chitchat about the weather and fish and maybe a nice cruller. Christina takes Andrew's hand and tells him that his response is "good enough." She turns fifty and she's never been loved. Shut up, Portugeezer.

Whatever. These people are way too olive-skinned for Andrew's fair west coast sensibilities. There are, like, sixteen people there. At dinner at Christina's house, Andrew encounters the typical questions about why Andy chose to be the Bachelor (he waffles, with monkfish) and where they plan to live if they end up together (he waffles, with whipped cream and a singular anchovy). John, Christina's father, tells us in a Portuguese confessional (and trust me, you don't want to end up spending night in a Portuguese confessional if you can avoid it), "It'll be very hard for me when [Christina] moves to California. She's my baby." Awww. How cute. Good thing the only thing he needs to worry about is the chapter in the ESL handbook explaining that dusty linguistic outpost of the English language known as the "if/when" matrix. In a situation like this one, it really might be better to learn the difference. Does anyone else feel like He Waffles With Monkfish would be the world's best Native-American name for him?

That was fast. Out on the porch, Christina interviews, "After spending the day with Andrew, I know for sure I'm falling in love with him." After ONE DAY? I can't even tell if I have a cold after one day. It just takes your body time to process these things, y'know? Cumulatively, Christina has now spent the approximate amount of time with her "love" as I have with the guy at the deli across the street from my apartment. And do you know how I feel about him? I feel like I want my coffee large, with milk and one sugar, just like I order it. Let's not complicate the relationship any more than that, if possible. No names, even. After all, we've only known each other for ONE DAY. Andrew is "a little bit confused" at the end of the date, and he wants to have a "heart to heart" back at Christina's house. She tells him that she feels like "this is right," and he waffles (with...ah, fuck it, I'm out of fish) but gropes her big time anyway.

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Bachelor

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