Matt Grant is here to steal our women. He's an international financier and a "proper English gentleman." Matt is here to bust all kinds of stereotypical views we might have about English people. Chief among those views, I suppose, is my preconception that a proper English gentleman wouldn't deign to appear on a demeaning American reality show. Big Ben! Abbey Road! Just to be clear, we're not trafficking in stereotypical views of England, right? And yeah, he makes all kinds of money, but he's not "about" money, which is refreshing. He slags off Hugh Grant, because lord knows how women hate Hugh Grant. He's the youngest, by many years, of five children. He's 6'5", went to university in Cambridge. His dad had a stroke at the end of 2006, so he needs to settle down and start poppin' out the young'uns.

Our opening montage theme: "Girls are bitches!" That's not just my interpretation; that's explicitly stated.

Despite how ridiculous I find this show, as a proud Canadian, I still get annoyed when the host says that the bachelor is, for the first time ever, not an American. Jesse Palmer, guys. We don't need to cause an international incident over this, but just keep in mind who supplies you with the most oil. ["Plus, wasn't there a whole season set in Rome? The dishonesty here is shocking. SHOCKING!" Joe R]

Matt admits he's nervous, but he's serious about falling in love, and he and Chris Harrison sit down to have a chat. "Would you rather be doing this in London?" Matt says he likes being pulled out of his comfort zone. So what's your life like in London, Matt? Matt reminds us he's a banker, and handles really rich clients. But remember: he's not about money. Will the cultural differences hamper your search for love in America? For God's sake, he's not an aborigine fresh from the outback.

"I've always had a thing for American women," says Matt, which is fortunate, because twenty-five American bitches are just about to pull up in their limos.

First to arrive: Amanda R., 27, an account executive from Niceville, Fla., a stunning brunette. She lived in England for four years. Amy, 22, a nanny from Stockton, does a spin as she approaches, and then tells Matt he has a cute bum. Devon, 24, is a makeup artist from Austin. "You have an accent!" she squeals. "I'm from...London," he explains. Kristine, 32, is a personal trainer from Charlotte. He's never heard of it. Chelsea, 25, is a pharmaceutical sales representative from Santa Barbara. She challenges him to an arm-wrestling match, in a patented "this is how I will stick out" move.

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