Bachelor
London Calling

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London Calling

So that's all of them: how do you like them, Matt? He says he had high expectations, but he's just blown away. Like he's going to say, "That's it? That's the best you got for me? Did only twenty-five women apply?"

Inside, the women are drinking wine and talking about Matt's looks and accents. Because we all know that's all you need for true love. Before Matt gets sent in, Chris explains about the first impression rose, which keeps a woman safe through the rose ceremony, and points out that it's possible his wife is inside. Based on this show's track record, though, I wouldn't start picking out china patterns just yet.

Matt saunters inside. The women cheer and surround him. "You've blown me away," he says, about the ninetieth time this episode that phrase has been used tonight. "I think it's totally possible he's the man of my dreams," says Amanda R. Well, it's lucky you signed up for this show without knowing anything about the person you were hoping to marry, isn't it?

Chris brings in the first impression rose, which won't actually get awarded for half an hour (of show time). Chelsea's going after that first impression rose. Ah, yes: The arm-wrestling challenge. "I only arm-wrestle women. Pregnant women, normally," says Matt. Hee. Finally, a little dry British humour. He puts up a good fight, but ultimately she wins. Is he being a gentleman? That's how he plays it. Carri and Denise sit down for a chat with Matt. Unfortunately, Denise, the former Bush aide (who might play the odds by downplaying her work for the president, given Britons' opinion of him), wants to have, if you can believe it, a conversation with Matt -- can you imagine? -- so Carri (who says Denise is a "one-trick pony") decides to mix it up by biting into a beer can and ripping off a piece of aluminum. Checkmate. Political discussion? One-trick pony! To appear sophisticated, perform a trick you learned at the Delta Tau kegger freshman year. I imagine the church you work for is quite impressed right now, Carri. Rebecca, the attorney, decides to get the party started, which means busting some moves that are emptying her client list as we speak. Michele R. declares herself a paper-rock-scissors champion, and then loses the first match. On the bright side, perhaps she can stop practicing paper-rock-scissors and devote herself entirely to her cancer research.

Marshana, who says she is Miss Earth New York, whatever that is, is chatting up Matt when Ashlee steals him away. She wrote him a song. Aw, that's nice. Too bad we won't -- oh, no, there's actually a guitar there? She's going to play it for us? Why does this have to happen? Could this one little bit of evil not be foisted on the world? "You fire away," he tells her, utterly bewildering her, until he says "fire away" is an "English term." Perhaps "it's an English term" is itself an English term, one that means "you're an idiot but I'm too polite to say so." The song is ridiculously bad for someone who claims to be a professional singer/songwriter. Needless to say, the lyrics would apply to any human male who happens to be the focus of a Bachelor season, setting aside the fact that the word "douchebag" isn't used, not even once.

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Bachelor

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