Bachelor
Love Means Never Having To Say You're Crazy

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Aaron and Brooke sleep in the limo on the trip back to the Malibu Dream House. She rests her head on his man-boobs. Aww. He sees her up to the door and they kiss goodnight. The women descend on Brooke nearly immediately. Brooke's still groggy from sleeping. Brunette Heather is all over her, wanting to know the details. Did they kiss? Of course. How many times? She can't remember. Was there tongue? God, shut up. Brooke heads upstairs. Brunette Heather wanders over to her and tugs at the waistband of Brooke's jeans and shouts, "She doesn't have panties on!" I can't believe Heather did that. Please tell me that women don't go around doing that. I'm sure there are a number on nonsexual reasons why Brooke isn't wearing panties, but she doesn't seem to have one handy. Heather asks if she left them in the limo. Brooke tries to explain that they're in her bag or something, but Heather steamrolls over her to exclaim that Aaron took them. Ew. I hope Heather's joking, because ew. And also, Heather still wants to marry a guy that she thinks steals used ladies underwear? Ew.

Commercials. We return to the Malibu Dream House for the night of the next Rose Ceremony. Aaron goes around hugging people. Crazy Clueless Christi tells us that she's still in as much love with Aaron as she was when she first laid eyes on him, but worries that he doesn't feel the same. She says, "He would really be cheating the both of us tonight if he doesn't give me a rose, because there's so much more that we could see. There's so much more we need to discover about the initial connection that he and I had." Every time you think Christi's hit rock bottom in her self-delusions, she always finds another cliff to jump off. Aaron explains that the he wants to make sure that he gives roses only to the women who actually want roses. If they don't want roses, wouldn't they say so or something? Oh, he wants to be able to reject women at the Rose Ceremony, but he doesn't want to risk being rejected himself. Shut up, Aaron.

Aaron pulls Helene aside, and she warns him about the scene with Kyla and Shannon. You know, the results of the Rose Ceremony make more sense now. I couldn't tell which blonde said what on first viewing because they all look the same. But now that I know which two it is, everything is falling into place. Helene has Aaron wrapped around her finger. Totally. Aaron tells us that he's totally stressed about the whole thing. Helene and Aaron both insist was just a "friend" thing -- nothing more.

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Bachelor

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