Bachelor
Love Means Never Having To Say You're Crazy

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Is That a Pink Sperm Whale Between Your Legs, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

And now for some decent editing. It's really hit or miss with these folks. After all this talk about romance, Aaron blurts, "So the hot tub's about 102 degrees." Oh, how smooth. Aaron explains to us that he suggested getting Brooke into the hot tub to help her relax more. Yeah, that was really clever and subtle of him. I expect that later he'll subtly suggest that he wants to have sex by unzipping his pants in front of her. Aaron and Brooke sit in the hot tub. They start kissing. Aaron narrates, "I wanted that to happen. That was an opportunity I was trying to create." Really? Because I hadn't quite picked up on your complicated agenda, yet. Thanks for explaining. They kiss some more. Brooke leans her head on Aaron's shoulder in slow motion. She tells us that Aaron is everything she ever looked for or hoped for in a man. She says he makes her feel safe and is a "knight in shining armor, all the way." What? What has he ever done that justifies that label? Not kick her to the curb when he found out that there's something wrong with her dad? Let's erect a statue. It really makes me wonder about the class of men Brooke has met in the past.

Back at the Malibu Dream House, there's an earthquake. No, wait, the editors are making me take back the compliment I gave them in the last paragraph. We see a shot of the house, then they shake it back and forth violently to indicate that there's conflict. How utterly stupid. Helene explains to us what happened during last week's episode about how she told Aaron she might leave because of all the Crazy Christi conflict. Apparently, Aaron gave Helene a slip of paper with his phone number on it in case she wanted to keep in touch with him if she decided to go. Helene makes the apparent tactical error of mentioning this to some of the girls, who suddenly decide to join Christi in Crazyville. Shannon acts like, because Aaron gave Helene his phone number, if he marries somebody else, that means the other woman was the "second choice" behind Helene. No, seriously. He gave Helene his number, and Shannon therefore assumes that Aaron wants to talk to her because he wants to marry her. Apparently, once you get married, you aren't allowed to have any friends of the opposite sex. Obviously, Helene's mistake here is treating this game like a dating show, and not a marriage audition. Kyla insists that Aaron should have just given Helene a note asking her to stay and not include his phone number. I guess if Helene leaves the show, she's not allowed to talk to Aaron ever again. In an interview, Kyla says that she and Shannon are wondering why they're even there if Aaron's giving his phone number out to other women. That's a good question, and one that will be answered in the next rose ceremony, won't it, Kyla and Shannon? Shannon says idiotically, "Aaron keeps telling us that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. Meanwhile, he's pulling the wool over everybody else's eyes." You know, I've hardly seen Aaron interact with Shannon at all. And Aaron isn't the one who determines how many women to cut each round. I think that if he had his way, it would probably be down to just Brooke, Helene, and Gwen by now. I guess Shannon and Kyla are upset to discover that they were never really in the running and are upset that they didn't see it coming. Helene insists that she didn't think it was a big deal, but Shannon disagrees. Helene tells them that if she had left the show, she wouldn't have called Aaron anyway. She asks them if they think she'd actually try to ruin the wedding or something. Then Helene gets upset and starts crying. We don't ever see her face, so I don't know if it's real or not. She runs off to the bathroom and Gwen follows her to comfort her. They close the door to the cameras so don't get to hear them talk about how crazy Shannon and Kyla are.

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Bachelor

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