Bachelor
Marching Orders

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Jenny Jenny, Who Can I Turn To?

Fine. Since you asked. One of mine actually said, "Duke: It even sounds cool!" Can we talk about something else now?

Suzie -- whose t-shirt should simply read a big-ass scoop of plain ol' vanilla ice cream -- notes in a confessional, "It looked like a streak of panic in her face. Like, 'oh my gosh, he knows everything.'" Yep. She doesn't even get sprinkles.

A somewhat wordy description of Jenny shows up on screen during her next confessional, as we learn again who she is in three separate rows of subtitles: "Jenny/Jesse's Friend/Posed as a Bachelorette." Her treachery is a trifecta of lies. A three-tiered cake iced with shame, tied with the flimsy string of needless subplot. And left out overnight in the rain. Jenny: "I don't care how good your motive is...lying is lying is lying. I love these girls and I want them to forgive me, but that's not in my control." And, huge twist, we cut back to the house to find that the girls don't forgive her. BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER MAD IN THE FIRST PLACE. "Jesse was my friend going into this," Jenny explains to them through racking sobs. "But I never expected to fall in love with you guys here...I was afraid that I would lose you because of my deception." The girls laugh it off, Suzie shouting, "You can be one of the bridesmaids!" and effectively undoing four weeks of promos. Tara even confessionalizes that she had wished someone in the house could tell Jesse how the girls behaved when he wasn't around, and, well, voilà. Sitting now, Jenny further explains that she has had the opportunity to talk to Jesse three times since she's been there: on the camping date, on the charity date -- oh, trust me, considering a woman is contractually obligated to look like she's enjoying herself on a date with that blockhead, these are ALL charity dates -- and the previous evening. Mandy Jaye notes that "this takes the 'I Never' game to a whole new level!" Yes. It does elevate the importance of a game typically played by high-school students to a place where it's now considered an accurate barometer in helping a grown man choose his prospective bride. Thank you for pointing that out, Mandy Jaye. And while we're making fun of t-shirts with writing, can we point out that Mandy Jaye is sporting a shirt emblazoned with the Texas flag with the world "HOME" written in big letters beneath it? Runaway Texas jingoism. It even sounds cool.

But this is really all about Trish, isn't it? As Jenny says her goodbyes and retires to her hotel room to weep uncontrollably over the soaring costs of the Slim Jims in the mini bar, Trish realizes that she might be in a spot of trouble, what with the sleeping with a married man and general other adventures in whoredom: "I could be packing my bags and going home." Uh-oh. She'll be back on the loose! Lock up your husbands, ladies! Or so another one of her t-shirts warns, I'm sure.

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Bachelor

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