Bachelor
Marching Orders

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Jenny Jenny, Who Can I Turn To?

"This is definitely not the perfect date for me, by any means," Mandy Jaye admits, but not for the natural your-date-has- the-word-'cro'- in-his-species reasons you may assume. "I'm actually pretty terrified of water." Why does one girl always end up on the Fear Factor date, where she's shipped off to an exotic location, but then the exotic location becomes Ukraine circa 1986 and they end up mopping up chemical spills at Chernobyl? They had to know she didn't like boats. Why so mad at Mandy Jaye, Fleiss?

If the words "Olive Garden" represent the very best in Bachelor-related awkwardness, this moment here typifies the worst. Because in the former example, at least they felt it too. This time we are, as an audience, left to suffer alone. To feel sickness. And anger. And disgust. Jesse and Mandy Jaye are steaming along on a big, big boat, right? And they walk to the front. The stern. Or the starboard. Or the aft. And Jesse stands behind Mandy Jaye. And makes her put her arms out. And then he yells, "I'm the king of the world." And then he gets action using a line that wasn't sexy or romantic six years ago. Surely, this musty old chestnut couldn't really be the aphrodisiac it's played to look like here. Surely, Jesse must already have had her at hello.

One more Date Box. Smaller. Human head-sized. Karen pops it open and reads a note intended for "Karen, Trish, and Suzie." Karen barks an incredulous "No, sir!" Again, um, I know Jenny's shoulders are a little broader than those of the average female in the house or ever, but that's no reason to mock her entire gender assignment. By the powerful force of inference, they figure out that Tara is the recipient of the final one-on-one date, which causes Karen to note, "I was sad because I was looking forward to getting to know this guy that everyone says such great things about." Totally. Karen mourns on the couch and actually accepts a hug from Trish. Because she hasn't seen the PSA that hooker sweat can kill you.

As the U.S.S. Unengaging Plotline charts a slow course through the Cheese Sea, we pop in on Mandy Jaye sipping a Dramamine Shake. They exit the boat and we're suddenly at dinner, Jesse reporting, "The next Rose Ceremony, I'm giving roses to those whose families I'm gonna meet. Would you want somebody like me to meet your family?" Mandy Jaye pauses long enough for the response "I would want someone like you to meet my family" to present itself as the most likely unspoken rebuttal, but instead Mandy Jaye goes with "I would love for you to meet my family." Jesse presses on for reasons that anybody on earth would want to meet him, asking if it's because he's the Bachelor, or maybe because her father heard that Jesse was a quarterback. Oh, lord. Just give him that damn line that it has nothing to do with that, and that you just like him for him, okay? Man, they'd better get back to the boat, because Jesse brought himself enough line to fish for compliments until the ocean runs out of them. Jesse tells us that he's skeptical of Mandy Jaye because "she was in pageants, and she knows what judges and the audience wants [sic] to hear." Back at the table, Mandy Jaye tells Jesse that there is no point in her being anyone else besides who she says she is, because what would be the point? "I definitely see myself falling for him," Mandy Jaye admits, feeding him chocolate cake off her plate as he responds, "Sit-ups tomorrow. Nine o'clock." Where does he GET this stuff? Seriously, Jesse. Did you just think of that now?

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