Bachelor
Marching Orders

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Jenny Jenny, Who Can I Turn To?

And then, this from Jesse: "I heard your reaction to what happened when she walked in." Which, apparently, is a salient, salacious detail of a totally different story. That happened to Trish when she was in college. Nice spying, Jenny. I would sarcastically clap for you, but, see, I'm recapping. Trish keeps on by saying she's a different person than she was before. But she still shakes her head incredulously and barely contains her rage. As I would do in this position. In any other dating capacity, you'd either dump her outright, or philosophize that she's a human being and a human being is bound to make mistakes. Ain't none of us the savior. But you be good, and strong, and when you make a mistake, you own up to it. It's not only mighty, it's righty. As the good book says. Then Trish submits to kissing him. Which I would NOT do in this or any other position.

Jesse and Karen take their leave of the crowd and make out. "I like me some kissing," her confessional tells us. Yeah, it really speeds up the feeling she gets in her ticker.

Two big, dumb animals share the frame: an enormous, several-ton, gray elephant, and Jesse Palmer. Ech. Their intellectual capacities are so similar they're probably speaking in some language twins teach each other right now. Jesse throws him peanuts as I throw my life away watching this show. Then Jesse and the women ride an elephant, and this metaphor becomes so mixed up it forms a giant funnel cloud that destroys Iowa: "We were all playing with the elephant, and I took the bull by the horns and asked Suzie to join me back at the tent," says Jesse. There were so many animals mentioned in that sentence I just opened a full-scale zoo inside my picture tube. Anyway, Jesse and Suzie mack big-time. On their sides and shit. With porny music and everything. Montage-ing back to the house once more, Trish chases Jesse back to the limo at the end of the date, causing the girls inside the house to react tsk-tsk-ingly and Jessica to call it in a confessional, "An aggressive move." She kisses him goodbye again on the sidewalk. When she walks back in, Karen takes the diplomatic route of calling her "a retard." Sometimes you just run out of people to root for.

"This is my last individual date set up by Jenny," Head Of Meat tells us as he descends the steps of his mansion and tries his darndest not to tip over because of his inordinately not-drawn-to-scale Head Of Meat. Ech. Head Of Meat. The date will be with Tara, who liked cuddling 'til dawn, soft music, and long walks on the beach, and dislikes doing any of those things within a smellable distance of a big, oily, fatty, botulism-spreading Head Of Meat. Jenny must secretly love Trish and hate Tara, because...ew. Head Of Meat.

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Bachelor

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