Bachelor
"Matt Faces an Excruciating Decision"

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Monkey, Will You Marry Me?

Douchebag.

He sees her off to her room, and they say goodnight. "I need it to be him and me," she says.

And then, somehow, the next day, Chelsea's out of his head because he's hanging out with Shayne, who's amazing, and so much fun. She jumps into his arms on the beach, and he says she's a monkey (in a good way). Shayne says in a talking-head that she's going to show him how she wants to be with him for the rest of her life.

Instead of a helicopter ride, they're going parasailing. As Shayne straps in, she tells Matt, "If I don't come back, I wish you and Chelsea well." Heh. Parasailing shots, and the two of them yelling "woo!"

Over an extended shot of Shayne hovering in the air, she explains how she felt like an angel, and she loves Matt, and blah blah.

Back at the Hilton, they snuggle, and Shayne tells him she has a gift from him, which is the most amazing gift she'll ever receive from him in the history of their entire relationship. It's a framed double-picture of Shayne writing I LOVE YOU in the sand on the beach. "My heart melted at that point," says Matt in a talking-head. "Do you see what it says?" she yells at him. "Matt, it says I love you," she adds in that annoying bubblehead voice of hers. And they snuggle, and she talks more in her baby voice, which I can't believe didn't just make him say, "God, shut up -- I'm going with Chelsea right now." And everyone watching is thinking, and not for the first time, "daddy issues."

And now it's the big day. Shots of Matt looking appropriately apprehensive, and picking out the ring. He talks about falling in love with two women, which is grounds for divorce in most states. Shots of the two of them getting ready, Shayne in a sherbet-yellow baby-doll dress and Chelsea in some sort of elegant halter dress.

Chelsea arrives in a limousine. Chris is there to greet her and escort her over to the same place where Amanda got a bullet in the head. It takes forever, and she repeats her love over and over again. He greets her, tells her he loves her dress. He says he never, for one second, thought he'd meet someone like her. Wasn't that the point of doing it, thought? He blah-blahs about sharing some amazing times with her, and he thanks her for that. Uh-oh. "Thank you"? That doesn't bode well. Sure enough, he says he can't give her everything that she needs. Her face falls. She says she finds it hard to believe she could fall for someone who wasn't falling for her. Well, he told you he was falling for you, so try to figure out now how big an asshole he is and how fucked-up this show is, Chelsea, and at some point you'll realize he's doing you a favor.

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Bachelor

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