Bachelor
Bachelor

Episode Report Card
1340 USERS: C+
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Congratulations! Now, Go Away.

Aaron furrows his brow and stands around outside in what he thinks is a photogenic fashion. His fart-smelling efforts of looking thoughtful are hampered by the fact that he's wearing an ugly sleeveless shirt and flip flops again. He narrates over another clip show of Helene and Brooke about how great they are. He smells more farts. He talks and talks and talks and talks about making the right choice and not looking back. More fart-smelling and brow-furrowing. Finally, the producers tell Aaron that they have enough "thoughtful" shots, so Aaron goes back inside to watch football and eat buffalo wings.

At a non-product-placed hotel, Brooke and Helene get up and prepare for the day. They eat. They dress. Aaron tells us that he learned a lot about himself from "this process" about how to be more open and bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT! I'm not listening anymore. Asswipe. Area 51 is more open than Aaron is. He seems to think that being on a show where twenty-five women desperately try to convince him to give him a ring will make him a "better lifelong partner." Whatever. That's like saying eating a gallon of ice cream a day will make you a better dietician.

Now it's Aaron's turn to head to Harry Winston, and he's greeted by the same woman in the same outfit. She shows him all the rings. He makes some vague comment about clarity, and the woman does that thing that salespeople do when they pretend that they think you know a lot about the product they're selling. And then of course, they say that because you know so much, clearly you understand why you just have to buy the most expensive version of whatever it is they're selling. I used to fall for that every time.

Back at the hotel, Brooke and Helene continue to prepare. Somebody paints Helene's fingernails for her.

Back at Harry Winston, the clerk shows Aaron some fancy ring that comes with baguettes on the side. Or something. I told you I don't care. She tells him that fancy shapes are the most popular. So what if they cost even more. You want to be popular, don't you? You don't want to disappoint this woman you want to marry with an unpopular cut, do you? Why don't you just spit on her while you're at it?

While Aaron's staring at some ring that appears to have three diamonds in it, we get a split screen of Brooke doing her hair. She tells her that this is an important day because this is the day Aaron makes the decision. She talks and talks and talks. She could hardly sleep last night. Oh man, she's going to self-recap all her experiences on the show. I'm not cooperating. That's it. They had their clip show last week. This show repeats everything three times already. I'm not re-re-re-re-recapping this. She says she can imagine living with Aaron in Springfield. She concludes, "Every day would be better than the last, and I would love him until the day I die." She puts on a pretty wine-colored cocktail dress and heads out to the limo.

Bachelor

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