Bachelor
May The Best Ass Win

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Previously: Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolled over in her grave and muttered, "Why did I even bother?" God, there's another five-minute clip show recapping the whole season. I've already recapped this stuff, sometimes four or five times. I'm not doing it again. Tonight, the stuff that happens tonight is going to happen. Tonight. Seriously, I'm not going to pre-recap this stuff, when it's just going to be repeated over and over again. Tonight, Brooke and Helene will meet Aaron's family. Then he's going to pick one of them to ask to marry him. It's the most dramatic finale, ever! If your definition of "dramatic" includes "boring, repetitive, and thoroughly predictable." It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Because then it will be over and these people will go away! Eventually. After a zillion pointless press interviews.

We open in Springfield, Missouri. Time-elapse film doesn't succeed in making it look any more impressive than the Smalltown, U.S.A. that it clearly is. In his loft, See 'N Say Aaron makes coffee without his shirt on and tells us all that he's down to two women and he's thinking of asking one of them to marry him. Thanks for the newsflash. He says that he needs his family's help to make this last decision. Of course, the show was going to force the women to meet his family whether he needed their help or not, so he might as well go along with it.

We cut to Helene, standing outside some hotel that couldn't afford to pay for product placement. She tells us that she can't believe she's actually there in Springfield. I would have said exactly the same thing, but my tone would be very, very different. She says it's surreal and exciting to consider marrying Aaron after knowing him for such a short time. A limo comes by to pick her up. Aaron steps out of the limo to greet Helene. He's wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and FLIP FLOPS. Sweet Jesus. They hug. Aaron says he couldn't sleep, because he was so exciting about seeing her again. I think he couldn't sleep because it looked like a plane was going to crash into him, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Aaron and Helene load into the limo. See 'N Say Aaron tells us that it's the most exciting day for him blah blah blah.

As he and Helene drive through Springfield, Aaron points out the billboard for his bank, featuring a giant image of Aaron, with his giant head and giant teeth. I hope it's been vandalized by now. Seeing that billboard every day would give me "He's coming to eat me!" nightmares. Helene laughs and says it's a good picture. They start heading through some neighborhoods where Aaron explains he'd like to buy a house someday. They look at houses. They're big. They're pretty. I'm bored. There's a house with a pink roof. Yikes. They joke that it would take a manly man to live in a house like that. It would take a blind man. Or woman. Aaron tells us he thinks that Helene is enjoying herself and is impressed with what she sees. Yeah, who needs Philly when you can hitch yourself to a Springfield, MO middlewig? Helene tells us that it's great to see Aaron in his hometown, and that she likes what she sees.

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Bachelor

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