Bachelor
May The Best Ass Win

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Aaron and Helene head out to the living room to bore some more. Helene surprises Aaron with a gift. It doesn't come as a surprise to us, because every square inch of this show is telegraphed by the "coming up" segments they show before every single commercial break. I hope nobody is bothered that I never recap those, but I can only take so much. It's a money clip, from Tiffany's, I think. It's inscribed, "With love, Helene." Aaron loves it and gives Helene a kiss. She jokes that even if he dumps her tomorrow, he'll always remember her. She brays some laughter. They kiss some more. While Aaron is trying to kiss her, Helene keeps saying she likes to buy stuff for people. Ah, so this is why Aaron thinks she's such a "challenge." That trick where he kisses women to shut them up doesn't work on her.

Aaron starts escorting Helene out, and suddenly she's wearing a totally different outfit. There's no explanation of what happened, whether she spent the night or there was a spill or whatever. She tells us that she's got feelings for Aaron or whatever and stuff. Aaron escorts her out to the limo. They kiss. She calls him "my sweet prince." See 'N Say Aaron tells us that he's fearful that he's going to make the wrong choice.

Commercials. An ad for herpes medication. Bwah ha ha!

Aaron furrows his brow and stands around outside in what he thinks is a photogenic fashion. His fart-smelling efforts of looking thoughtful are hampered by the fact that he's wearing an ugly sleeveless shirt and flip flops again. He narrates over another clip show of Helene and Brooke about how great they are. He smells more farts. He talks and talks and talks and talks about making the right choice and not looking back. More fart-smelling and brow-furrowing. Finally, the producers tell Aaron that they have enough "thoughtful" shots, so Aaron goes back inside to watch football and eat buffalo wings.

At a non-product-placed hotel, Brooke and Helene get up and prepare for the day. They eat. They dress. Aaron tells us that he learned a lot about himself from "this process" about how to be more open and bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT! I'm not listening anymore. Asswipe. Area 51 is more open than Aaron is. He seems to think that being on a show where twenty-five women desperately try to convince him to give him a ring will make him a "better lifelong partner." Whatever. That's like saying eating a gallon of ice cream a day will make you a better dietician.

Now it's Aaron's turn to head to Harry Winston, and he's greeted by the same woman in the same outfit. She shows him all the rings. He makes some vague comment about clarity, and the woman does that thing that salespeople do when they pretend that they think you know a lot about the product they're selling. And then of course, they say that because you know so much, clearly you understand why you just have to buy the most expensive version of whatever it is they're selling. I used to fall for that every time.

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Bachelor

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