Bachelor
May The Best Ass Win

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Helene narrates to us as she's riding in the limo up to the house that it's been an "emotionally and physically wrenching" experience participating in the show and getting to know Aaron. "Physically wrenching"? What, does Aaron like it rough or something? She repeats that she thinks they'd be great together and couldn't pick out a better guy for herself.

Chris greets Helene at the limo and escorts her inside. Aaron tells us that he saw Helene walking toward him, and that it confirmed the decision he had already made. Well, changing your mind now would be a bit problematic. Although I suspect Brooke would still take him back in a heartbeat. Helene makes her way down to the altar rather casually. She's not very good at pretending that she doesn't already know what's going to happen.

Aaron greets Helene with a hug, and they compliment each other. He tells her how beautiful she is some more. He tells her that the last six weeks have been amazing. He tells her that he's definitely fallen in love with her, and he hopes she feels the same way. She brays laughter and insists that she does. They stare at each other and play with each other's hands. Finally, he gets to the question. He gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring. Helene's response to the ring is "Whoo!" Seriously. She tosses in a few "wow"s. And some braying laughter. Aaron slides the ring on her finger and asks Helene if he'll marry her. She says she will, "without a doubt." ABC executives shout, "Ka-Ching! Take that, Aaron Sorkin, you pompous windbag!" Aaron tells Helene that if anybody in the world can make this work, "coming from this situation," he's sure it's the two of them. He says he's looking forward to sharing his life with her. And finding out what her middle name is. They start kissing. She starts talking through their kisses, telling him he's made a wise decision. Oh, and Aaron has to offer her the rose now. That's so stupid. Of course, she accepts it. They kiss some more. Helene narrates to us that she feels like she's found the man of her dreams. She's glad he's her fiancé now. She's glad she stuck it out. She feels lucky. Aaron insists to us that Helene is a "rare find," and is sincere and beautiful and has a great ass. He says that he's been wanting to tell Helene how he feels about her for several weeks but couldn't. Yes, see, on this show about love and romance, they actually have to forbid any love and romance until the end, lest it screws up the central conceit of the show.

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Bachelor

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