May The Best Ass Win

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Helene and Aaron head over to Aaron's loft apartment. Everybody involved in the show explains to us that they're at Aaron's loft. I recognize lofts like this. Every small town in the United States has got a couple hundred of people who work in whatever high-tech jobs are available or are just starting careers as college professors or aspiring artists. They're what I call "pre-urbanites." They don't have secure enough lives (either financially or emotionally) to actually move to a big city, so they try to recreate the experience the best they can. Some eventually move on to bigger cities. Some, like Aaron, decide that this is urban enough for them. I knew a lot of people with places like this when I was working in a town about the size of Springfield in South Carolina.

Aaron shows Helene around. There are nice hardwood floors and brick walls and stairs. There's a piano. There's a sleek kitchen that looks like it's never used. The loft is pretty, but also incredibly bland and sterile. Just like our Aaron. Helene asks what would happen if she said she didn't like it, but then says she's kidding.

Aaron and Helene head downstairs to take a look at the restaurant Aaron is "building," called Trolleys. Oh, what an incredibly cheesy name. He tells Helene that they're trying to bring the outside indoors -- which, as any Trading Spaces participant can tell you, is your cue to scream and run away. The inside of the restaurant, still under construction, is dominated by facades of brick storefronts all along the inside walls. It's just so busy and tacky. Aaron says that it's intended to mimic what it's like if you were sitting outside on an old Chicago Street. Perhaps if you're two feet tall. And stupid. And of course, there's a sports bar in the back so all his fellow Chipsters can hang out. And there will be televisions. And a kitchen. The only thing that separates this restaurant from hundreds of thousands of restaurants just like it everywhere across the country is that stupid brickwork. Helene points out that his loft is right above the restaurant, and worries that it will be loud. Aaron says it won't be. Then Aaron repeats to us what Helene just said. God. Kill me. Aaron concludes that Helene is actually thinking about moving to Springfield, which is a good sign.

Next, Helene and Aaron head out to an airport to fly Helene around. Helene worries about the plane being really small. I'd be more concerned about the weekend pilots, myself. Aaron explains to us that they went to the fucking airport. And then we see them at the airport. There Helene meets Aaron's father, Alden. Alden looks almost exactly like Aaron, except with white hair. He even has the oversized head and giant teeth. And he's just as smarmy and insincere. He tells Helene that she has a unique name, and says that she's beautiful.

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