Bachelor
May The Best Ass Win

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So Alden, Aaron, and Helene all head up in the tiny airplane, and I can practically hear the air-traffic controller crying. Alden pilots the plane while Helene sits in the co-pilot seat, pretending that anything she does matters. Eventually they land in Grove, Oklahoma, which is where some lake house is located. I'll bet they all live out there as some sort of state tax dodge. They drive past some huge houses in yet another limo. Helene points out all the windows. Alden asks her how she'd like to clean all of them. Helene says she doesn't do windows. They all laugh at the silly woman who doesn't know her place.

Eventually, Helene, Aaron, and Alden drive up to some boring, cookie-cutter brick home. It's time to meet the family. Helene tells us that she's nervous about meeting the family because she wants to make a good impression and blah blah blah. They head into the house, and Alden calls everybody in to say hello to Helene. She meets Kathy, Aaron's mom, first. Kathy looks like Christi in about twenty years. She's wearing a red denim sleeveless vest and ugly red and white floral-print slacks. We also meet Aaron's unidentified grandmother.

Helene tells us that she feels like Aaron's girlfriend. Duh. They all hang out in the kitchen, and Mom asks if Aaron has played the piano at all. Yeah, we heard him stumble through some vapid song weeks ago. He blathers about playing Helene some song about her pretty eyes. Whatever. Grandma asks Helene what she does for a living. She explains about being a school psychologist. Aaron recaps the drama about Helene threatening to leave because of crazy Christi, adding that he's glad she stuck around. Mom compares it to a beauty pageant, not realizing that the pageant women were the troublemakers. Mom explains that she used to judge beauty pageants herself, so she knows that the women are vicious. Of course, they're vicious because of the people like her, so Mom needs to stop acting like some shocked observer. Also, Mom is wearing so much black eyeliner that she looks like she tried to draw on a pair of glasses. Aaron asks if anybody wants to go cruising on the boat.

We cut to a view of everybody cruising on the boat, while Helene tells us that everyfuckingbody went cruising on the fucking boat. Sorry, profanity is the only way I can deal with it anymore. She goes on to describe exactly what we see: Aaron's parents sitting in the back with their arms around each other, while Aaron and Helene pilot the ship with their arms around each other. They let Helene drive the boat. She makes a big deal about it. She tells us that she hopes to "communicate" to Aaron that she has really fallen for him, and she hopes he feels the same. But she's also thinking about her competition, Brooke.

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Bachelor

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