Bachelor
May The Best Ass Win

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Helene and the Buerges sit outside on a patio and eat dinner. Tricia asks Helene what her family thought of Aaron. She says they loved him. Justin says they didn't spend enough time with him, then. Having, unfortunately, spent much more time with Aaron than Helene's family did, I tend to agree. Alden blathers on about the process and proposing after seven weeks of knowing Helene. These chairs they're sitting on are those metal-framed patio chairs that lack braces in the back, allowing people in them to sort of simulate rocking without actually sitting in a rocking chair. Aaron rocks fiercely in his chair and declares that he's not going to ask either women to marry him then and there unless he feels that it's right. The producers all nod in agreement, even though they know Aaron has agreed to pop the question in order to give the season its "happy ending." Alden asks Helene whether she's thought about how she would respond if Aaron were to "pop the question." She blathers that they've gotten to know each other really well and blah blah blah. She says, "I wouldn't be opposed to the idea or anything like that. I'm pretty open-minded." See, she's speaking Aaron's language -- Equivocation. Kathy stares at Helene, wondering why she's not throwing herself at Kathy's perfect little boy.

Finally, Mama Buerge pipes up: "You're twenty-seven years old. Why have you not found Mr. Right by now?" Because it's not 1952 anymore, Mrs. Schlafly. She doesn't have a "sell by" date stamped on her forehead, does she? Shut up, Mama Buerge. ["Holy God, she actually said those words to Helene's face? That alone is reason enough for Helene not to marry Aaron. Gross." -- Wing Chun] Mama Buerge explains that she had three kids by the time she was Helene's age. Yes, well, the world is full of people who aren't you, Kathy. Shut up. Helene diplomatically (though not very articulately, of course) explains that she's been focusing on her career. And stuff. Or whatever. You know. She reveals that she was engaged once while she was in college, but that it didn't work out. So they made a big deal out of Brooke's previous engagement, but this is the first time this is being mentioned on the show? Alden blathers on about marriage being a commitment, saying that he hopes Helene feels the same way. Helene insists that when she gets married, it'll be for good: "Whoever I marry is stuck with me." Kathy asks Helene how she'd feel about relocating. Because god knows her little boy is never leaving. Ever! Helene says she's okay with that, as long as there are jobs available in the school district. Justin jokes that there aren't any schools in Springfield. I think he's joking, anyway. Aaron tells us that he was quiet during the dinner to gauge how his family reacted to Helene. He says he thinks they asked her tough questions. Liar. He says that she handled their questions well, and that he's "very proud of her." "Proud"? She's a full-grown woman, not a fifth-grader who came in second place in the VFW's essay contest on "Why I love America."

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Bachelor

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