Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Northern Overexposure

Props to Jerry Bruckheimer. Someone needs to love him this week, and he's currently without his favorite wubby. His security blanket. The one he calls "world domination."

Bob "'E' My Name Is Eugene" Guiney sits poolside at Chez Go Away, staring aimlessly off into his own blank, desolate, childless, overexposed, fame-in-the-sixteenth-minute future. He puts his hand over his mouth in a reasonable emotional facsimile of "Gosh, this is the all-too-human face of the conflicted soul," but I'm more inclined to believe that his hand is there as a substitute for any of the women of this show, seeing as Eugene has gone almost fourteen seconds without ramming his tongue into something and his mouth is probably starting to get bored. Wearing a red button-down we've seen him in before but the collar of which somehow seems a lot more Star Trek-villain-y than it has in previous fashion incarnations, Eugene stares into the camera and has secretly already booted Mary in his mind. I mean, come on. But he's willing to play along for the hour, because protracted heartbreak is for ratings and actual emotional investment is for suckers and he'll forget all about the pain he's caused, because he's got an In Touch photo shoot coming up he needs to think about, I'm sure.

Owing to the fortuitous advent of the picture tube this past week, television was just invented and so Eugene takes this opportunity to re-explain the rules the show we're in the seventh episode of the fifth season of watching: "I'm about to go on three overnight dates with three very stunning, very wonderful women." But then, what has he done about the three bachelorettes who are left on the show now, hardy har blee? Whatever, that was a cheap shot. The three women left really are pretty much fine, such as they are. It's only their "connection" with Captain James Tiberius Jerk of the U.S.S. Used To Be Fat But Now He Is Skinny that brings down their property value ever so. And, speaking of what, at this point, feels like the never-ending middle of their five-year mission (or "five-year journey," as they'd probably call it on this show), Eugene outlines for us the course they'll be charting this week: "First, I'm going to Alaska with Kelly Jo. From there, I'll go to Jackson Hole, Wyoming with Mary. And finally, to beautiful Belize in Central America with Estella." Hey, check out Globo-Bob, kickin' it with the geography! He knows where it's at! Jackson Hole in Wyoming. Belize in Central America. As opposed to the Belize in Hoboken, New Jersey and the Jackson Hole on Neptune. Maybe the publishing world should consider changing the atlas team to Rand-Guiney for Eugene's second publishing effort. And then, turning the tables, McNally could be the next Bachelor! Eh, never mind. McNally actually has a huge ass. But what if -- and follow me, here -- he goes from being fat...to being skinny! I know. Radical. But I've seen it work before, somewhere.

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Bachelor

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